Hello there, mortal. It seems you stumbled onto a secret area where only the most devious of devils and vilest of villains discuss their plans and dine on the darkest of cuisines... You hath found... the Cave of Evil! How you found it is a mystery, but the point is, you have. Will you scroll down and reap the rewards?

However, before you can enter such a vast, exclusive club, you must endure a scan from Yami Malik to ensure that you have naught a spark of goodness in you... You haven't been hanging around Sailor Moon... have you?

Yami Malik: ...you smell of strong perfume... wash that stuff off and then you can go in...

If you're reading this, then consider yourself VERY lucky. Yami Malik is not only the admin of the Cave, he is also on the Site Staff. He isn't nice if he's angry. Now, before you simply sit down and plot to control... or destroy... the world, you'd best read these following rules so that you, too, can be a face of evil:

1. Do not turn on the lights. That is Yami Malik's job, and most villains hate lights.
2. Do not ever mention a good guy's name unless you either have a good way to kill them, or if you want to die.
3. Don't mock the other villains. We all work very hard on our plans. Let's see YOU try to come up with a way to summon Zork.
4. If you're spoken to for any reason, be respectful. You can chat, or you can deck the other guy in the face, but do try to acknowledge that he's there. After all, it's the impression that counts.
5. Don't bother cleaning up after yourself. Again, that's YM's job, and not only does breaking this rule make him look bad, you give him less of a reason to hate you later.
6. Might is Power. Whoever says otherwise should be clocked on the head.
7. Magic is Power. If someone says this contradicts the last rule, blow them up.
8. Power is power. If this doesn't make sense, just remember: Dead men don't talk.

Follow those simple, and rather evil rules, and you'll be fine. Now, if they're too much to handle, then go run away with your tail between your little legs. If not, then open the door... and prepare to find the villains as they chat, eat food, drink wine, and basically mingle like normal people.

Pegasus: Mmm... Nothing beats a glass of Blue Nun after getting my rump kicked.

If you continue past the first row, toward the back, you will find everything to accomodate what an evil person likes to do in their free time... ahhh... dancing machines, pool tables, dartboards, and even a stage to duel on! If you look closer, you'll see Bakura dueling the King of Games himself right now. If you must know, even Yami has an evil side. It only comes out if he loses.

Besides the localities of playing card games and drinking ourselves into complete oblivion, there are some normal activities that you can expect of an avatar of evil. Take... well, archery lessons. Everyone noble and rich take those at some point. Unfortunately, we don't use arrows. No, we use magical spells. Oh, don't roll your eyes. You thought only the cute and virtuous had magic? Take a look at Sephiroth over there.

Sephiroth: ...uh oh. I don't think that was supposed to be flammable...

...I suppose even the fiercest villains miss a few times. But do take note of how Sephiroth looks during the fiery inferno he created. Look at how shadowed his face is. And do take these tips to avoid the forest fire he obviously created:

1. If you're using a spell, make sure to clear your mind. Close your eyes, and think about kittens. With machine guns.
2. Turn off your cell phone or MP3 player so you don't get distracted. After all, distraction is 95% of why heroes get killed.
3. Don't aim at civilized areas unless you're sure you can kill everyone or you can run if any survivors do exist. They'll hate you if they find out what you did.
4. Hold your arms straight and don't slouch. Posture is everything. And it helps so you don't miss and singe your garden instead of the nasty kid picking your flowers.
5. Make sure to scowl. If you're going to cast magic, look the part. Don't give a smile when you know your target's not going to live in five seconds.
6. If all else fails, just don't repeat your act. If you know you're a pyrotechnic, and you'll burn down the whole forest, get a buddy to do your work for you so you don't go crazy. After all, forcing others to do YOUR bidding is just as evil as starting the fire at all!

Follow those, and you'll be the next Kefka in no time. But wait, there's more. If wine and dueling, with the occasion dodge of a fireball, are getting on your nerves, we have a marvelous gift shop right over here, too. It helps, because sometimes villains need to replace their helmet horns, or get some polish for that overly-expensive, strong-as-plywood, only-for-show sword of theirs. Here, you can not only find bottles upon bottles of largely unknown, vile green and brown liquids of polish, you'll also find wonderful accessories like capes, gloves, helmets, suits of armor, and even jewelery for the mages! Just head over to Garland and he'll set you up. He knows the best price, because no one's traveled the world as he has.

Garland: It's true. Dragon-spit Shine polish is really hard to find outside of Melmond.

Aside from being the shopkeeping, Garland is also a perfect example of the villainous ensemble. Though small in size, if you zoom in his picture, or just happen across a better one, you'll see just how to look evil enough to make your opponents pee their pants. Look at that dark suit of metal armor. Nothing can pierce it! The helmet? Perfect to hide his face. Now, the cape shouldn't be taken seriously, because it's pink. Pink isn't scary unless you plan to dress as an evil Barbie.

Garland: I'm just waiting for Mattel to make an Evil Barbie, too.

They can't. I came up with the idea just now. Anyway, aside from having evil clothes, we also have evil duel cards if you're in league with Bakura, our number one ranked champion. Even if you're not, you should still meet our local evil CEO.

Kaiba: I'm not evil. I'm just misunderstood.

If you can manage to find Mr. Moneybags, you'll have not only the best cost for these awesome evil wares, you'll also hear some of the worst bad guy slogans ever.

Kaiba: Yeah, three times the normal power at seven times the cost!

Yup, too true, so now you can even see these wonderful new wares! Just click here to see what Kaiba has to offer!

So, there's the basic tour of our wonderful social club. But, more to the point, you didn't just come here to see HOW we act. You want to EAT, too. Understandable. After all, villains only get paid if they manage to kill a hero, so unless you're going around slaying King Arthur impersonators, chances are you haven't eaten in a while. No problem. We offer low, low prices on the best cuts we can scrounge. Here is our evil menu:

Wine - $50 a glass
Sake` - $20 a shot
Whisky - $2 a shot - will make you drunk very quickly
Evil-Ade - $3 - will temporarily make you stronger
Garland's Evil Fudge - $.70 since they're made in bunches
Meat - Any form... $1,000,000 since Bakura ate most of what you get. Isn't he evil? ;)
Beer - $.95 every ounce
Malik's way-too-hot chili - $.10 a bowl
Water - $99,999,999 every 1/2 ounce

Such a wonderful menu, but too expensive for your taste, right? Well, do cut us some slack. We ARE evil, and we ARE prone to teasing. Besides, if you're a true villain, you have friends that can pay our exclusive prices, or you can just brainwash someone into doing so. Or, you could even try to steal. But that's Bakura's job. However, there is a way to get free food. We DO have a bounty board, and IF you can catch a bounty, you will get a free food as follows:

Bounties(and rewards)
Zero or Megaman - nothing
Mario - nothing
Sonic the Hedgehog - nothing
Yami Yugi - nothing
Inuyahsa - nothing
Gokou - nothing
Cloud - nothing
The gundam pilots - nothing
The Ronin Warriors - nothing
Sailor Moon - nothing
All of them at once - Wow, you're even better than Yami Malik. You can have a french fry.

Also, if you are a supporter of any evil guy (or girl), why not drop by on special activity days and see them! Here is a list of all the activities we do and what day they're hosted on (birthdays included!)

Jan. 1st - New Years dance party!
Jan. 23rd - Garland's Birthday
Feb. 15th - Valentine's day party!
Feb. 16th - Sephiroth's birthday
Mar. 9th - Hiei's birthday
Mar. 24th - X-death's Annual Battle Royale
Apr. 11th - Annual Evil-Guy poker championship
Apr. 20th - Sigma's incredibly evil birthday party!
May 30th - Naraku's birthday bash
Jun. 4th - Annual Let's-pick-on-Yugi day (Yugi's B-day)
Jun. 25th - Pegasus's annual Wine Testing fest
Jul. 1st - Annual visit to AA meeting day
Jul. 18th - Evil King Stan's Spooky Story night (don't forget to bring popcorn!)
Jul. 23rd - Rare Hunter bake sale
Aug. 10th - Annual pool party at Kaiba's
Aug. 22nd - Queen Beryl's birthday
Sep. 2nd - Bakura's birthday (and Ryou's too)
Sep. 15th - Kefka's Birthday Party!
Sep. 23rd - Annual Play-in-the-leaves day
Oct. 5th - Annual contest to see who rakes up the most leaves the fastest day
Oct. 7th - Pegasus's birthday fiasco
Oct. 19th - Bass/Forte's birthday and tournament to prove who's the best!
Oct. 24th - Yami Malik's birthday (mainly because he says so)
Oct. 25th - Kaiba's birthday
Oct. 31st - Halloween dance and scariest costume contest
Nov. 4th - Bakura's priceless antique sale
Nov. 16th - Rishid's birthday
Nov. 24th - Thanksgiving...?
Dec. 2nd - National Evil Guy snowball fight
Dec. 16th - Rare Hunter bake sale again
Dec. 23rd - Malik's birthday
Dec. 25th - CRHISTMAS!!!!
Dec. 31st - Annual meeting for new years EVIL resolutions

Oops, I guess we forgot to mention weekly events too. Well, here they are!

Mondays - Free steak to those who can beat Bakura up day/Annual "Let's hide all of Forte's weapons" day.
Tuesdays - Visits to the retirement center to read to the elderly day
Wednesdays - Plot pranks for tomorrow day
Thursdays - Pretzel day! Pick your favorite pretzel
Fridays - Story time at 2 PM with hosts Gate and X-Death
Saturdays - Weekly Duel Monsters night
Sundays - Discussions for new evil ideas day

Now, doesn't this seem like the club for you? Well, unfortunately, now that you've seen everything, I'm afraid we must kick you out now. Not to be rude, but simply because we're evil and we can't trust you to keep any more of our plans a secret. So, go on, go have a beer, slaughter some kitties, and steal from kids. Oh, and don't even mention the location of this exclusive club, lest we come and stab you with our swords. Thanks for visiting the Cave of Evil!