| Karen |
Alternatives |
January 13, 2004 |
Disclaimer and Author Notes: My apologies and no offense meant to the authors and owners of copyright material. I have only the deepest admiration and regard for these works.
As for our two friends once again I salute the rightful owners and hope they allow us to continue to play.
The story is the result of a truly black mood I found myself in this week. I sat and let my mind play with a variety of what ifs. I still haven’t decided which alternative to use for the final chapter.
I may have stretched things a bit with regard to the military stuff. I tried to be as accurate as I could. But in some cases the story may have won over strict accuracy.
Part 1
The last week or so had not been pretty and now they were in this new form of hell. It seemed that every moment of their lives had been filled with dodging terrorists with guns and knives, friendly fire, land mines, and dirty nukes. They hadn’t given a class about this in law school; she would have remembered. Damn good thing she was a Marine. She had almost lost her best friend so many times she was becoming numb. Another close friend and confidant had been in mortal danger and now Bud, everyone’s friend, was fighting for his very life.
Go figure, it was just too ridiculous to be able to even get her brain around. After chasing Webb’s terrorist all over Afghanistan she and Harm had literally run into a land mine dodging goats of all things. Goats! For God's sake. She had found an inventive way to keep from taking him home in a Ziploc bag; but she wasn’t really sure it would work until it did; she wasn’t even sure she wasn’t going to wind up in the same baggie.
Then with their Humvee destroyed they had to try to hike out. When they finally stopped for some much needed rest they were caught in friendly fire from patrolling aircraft and lost all the meager supplies salvaged from said Humvee. They had spent a very uncomfortable night just trying to survive the deadly cold of the dessert.
After the rescue by their own personal cavalry headed by none other than Gunny Galindez they figured their adventure was over. Not so. Harm and Sturgis had to stage a nightmare version of The Hunt for Red October meets Top Gun in order to save an entire battle group. If they ever got out of here they would probably get medals but at the time everyone was just focused on surviving.
At this moment though the very worst part had been the waiting; until the Dr. had finally come to them after fourteen hours. She informed them that Bud was stabilized. With all that had happened, in a hideous twist if fate, it was poor Bud who had been almost mortally wounded by a land mine at a school dedication. Go figure. It was still not certain he would survive and he would certainly never be whole again but the Dr. was optimistic because of Bud's strength of will and the fact that he was finally stable. Soon he would be transported to Ramstein then to Bethesda.
She had finally ordered Jennifer Coates to bed and the poor exhausted petty officer had not even argued at that point. Her problem now was one very stubborn and distraught Naval Commander.
A short time ago another petty officer had come by to inform her that the Captain had ordered her moved into the JAG officers quarters; well to be exact he had ordered them both moved because they were still at odds as to who would stay to take Buds place and who would face the Admirals wrath for disobeying an order. Apparently all the excitement generated by JAG officers being in the forefront of these events had caused an influx of cable reporters and the Captain was out of room to house everyone. Hence the new bunking arrangement. No problem, she and Harm had bunked together before in tighter quarters.
It was really only for tonight because Harm was going home in the morning. She wanted to go, but she knew in her heart he would insist and he would prevail. After playing tag with the nuke he figured he had the edge in deflecting any punishment awaiting them. He was probably right. Besides she had a small feeling of discomfort about leaving him on the ship with that RIO who had been assigned to him. She was altogether too involved in a bad case of hero worship to suit Mac.
Harm was still sitting on the same bench they had occupied throughout their vigil for Bud and he didn’t seem to show signs of wanting to move. She couldn’t carry him and what worried her most was he was actually showing the first signs of cracking. Tears were fighting to fill his eyes and she wasn’t sure he would have the strength to control them much longer. She had to get him somewhere private, which meant their quarters; it just wouldn’t do to have the current hero of the fleet seen crying, even for this very good reason.
“Harm, c’mon it’s me Mac. We really have to go rest, let's go. Please, Harm, listen to me we need to go now.” She tugged at his arm, shaking him slightly. She brought her face close to his and tried to get him to focus his eyes on her. Finally she saw a glimmer of recognition.
“Why him Mac? It isn’t fair. After all we did. After all I was in the middle of why him?” Harm was being his humble self. After the fact, he always seemed to attribute that incredible superhero bravery he exhibited under the worst circumstances to just being in the wrong place at the right time. She found it endearing. He was going to cry. He really needed to cry, but not here. These people needed a hero and they needed him to be perfect. Only she and Harm seemed to know he wasn’t and they needed to keep it that way.
She tugged at his arm again and this time he responded by standing. She actually got him to move his feet in a co-coordinated manner, though he had no idea of their destination, until they reached the assigned cabin.
She had barely closed the door when he threw his arms around her, buried his face in her shoulder and broke. She managed to move them slowly to the bunk and sat down. For a long time she held him, crying along with him as they released the tension, horror and sorrow that had built in them, culminating in Bud's injury.
It helped some but she soon found that it was being replaced by another stronger emotion. The age old need to connect with another during a crisis. A feeling so strong it caused caution to be ignored, fears to disappear, future to be disregarded and their sense of self preservation to be completely set aside. They found the arms and hands that were holding each other were no longer still, the faces buried in necks had lips that were moving against skin. The comfort from these acts spurring further exploration as hands slipped beneath garments lips met lips arms pulled bodies against one another until they could no longer deny their deeply buried and frequently denied feelings. They no longer had the strength or will to fight the incredible pull to each other. Soon they were no longer the soft caresses of comfort but became the overwhelming demands of two people who needed each other with their very souls.
Mac was strongest and knew she could stop it, knew she should stop it. She even knew if she didn’t stop it the repercussions to both their careers not to mention their friendship could be deadly. Somewhere in the back of her mind were nagging reasons why she had to stop this but it was some small measure of these reasons why she didn’t stop. If she was taking advantage of the situation so be it. The alternative was unacceptable. Given their history she knew they might never come this way again. Tomorrow would come and the past would still be the past and the future would still be uncertain. She wanted, no needed the certainty and comfort that tonight would bring her even if it never happened again.
It took little time and too little conscious thought for their clothing to be discarded. For hands and lips and tongues to begin exploring the many square inches of each other’s beautiful bodies. There was only a momentary pause when, curiously, Harm grabbed the thin mattress from the lower bunk and threw it on the floor using one hand to pick up the rooms only chair and place it on the now empty bunk, out of the way. Once he snagged the spare blanket and pillow from the top bunk all conscious thought ceased and they lost themselves in each other with nothing but their feelings and sensations to comfort their ragged and torn hearts and minds.
They satisfied their deep need for connection with something, someone, good and comforting and trustworthy, with a fierce passion, before collapsing against each other. However they found in a very short time that it had not been just deep distress and torn emotions that allowed them to lose their long protected control. They spent many more hours finding and satisfying other needs in each other that under the right circumstances would have given them an unbreakable foundation for the future. Just before she fell into deepest sleep she heard him murmur softly, “I love you Sarah.” A tear fell from her eye. If he really meant it he would say it again in the morning.
As someone once remarked, with these two nothing was ever that simple.
Part 2
His mind was trying to swim back to the surface. Instead of the bone chilling cold of the North Atlantic that he usually had to fight his way out of in the morning; this was a warmth that enclosed both his mind and his body. As he came closer to the surface he realized the source of that warmth; then he remembered.
He had often thought about this moment and imagined he would be terrified at least momentarily but it didn’t happen that way at all. In fact if they weren’t on a ship of war in the middle of the Mediterranean, if they weren’t supposed to report for duty in less than two hours and if they had not just broken, no make that shattered, one of the Navy’s most stringent regulations he would have elected to do everything they had done for half the night all over again. He never wanted to let her go, not ever.
As it was they really had to get moving before they got caught and the only way to make himself do that was quickly. Slipping his arm from under her sleeping form he hurried into the small bathroom and quickly showered and shaved. As soon as he finished dressing for the trip home he bent over her and whispered in her ear.
“C’mon sleepyhead, we need to get moving. You need to report for duty and I have a chopper to catch.”
She rolled towards him and gave him an odd look but since he had never seen her in the morning after….well…. after what they had just done he didn’t think much about what it might mean. He was well aware that she wasn’t always in the best mood before her coffee so he just watched as she wrapped herself in the blanket and headed for the bathroom.
He quickly put the room back in order and decided to give her some space to put herself together before her day started.
He knocked softly on the bathroom door, “I’ll see you at breakfast.” He said simply and without waiting for a reply stepped into the corridor and closed the door.
30 Minutes Later
He was just finishing a light breakfast and working on his second cup of coffee when Capt. Ingles approached the table.
“Commander, may I join you?” Ingles asked. It was just a courtesy after all it was his ship.
“Please Captain,” Harm waved to a chair across from him. He still wasn’t sure of his relationship with this man but they seemed to have settled on a guarded truce. He believed he had finally won the Captains respect and proved his in return.
“You’ve been through quite a week, Commander; you and the Colonel. Did they deploy the entire JAG office to personally fight this battle or was it just coincidental?” He smiled but Harm had a funny feeling that this wasn’t entirely a social visit.
“No Captain it was purely a coincidence. Everyone was following a different trail and they all came together in the same place, sir.” Harm tried to produce a comfortable smile. Keep it friendly he warned himself you are only here for another hour.
“Mmmmm, I understand Lt. Roberts’s condition has improved enough overnight that they are going to set up transport for him this afternoon.” Ingles said for no particular reason. He must know that the first thing Harm did this morning was to check on Bud.
“Yes sir, it was quite a blow to us to find we almost lost him. His recovery won’t be easy but it looks like he will recover.
“Tough,” Ingles noted abstractly, with a shake of his head. “Ever happen to you before? Losing someone close in a combat situation?” His question seemed harmless enough.
“Yes sir. My first deployment out of the academy. We lost a pilot during an operation to protect ground troops. He was one of those people everyone liked. We took it hard.”
“How did you handle it?”
Strange question. Harm shrugged. This was a little too much like bonding for Ingles but he answered truthfully. There was a slight flicker in Ingles’ eyes but Harm dismissed it as paranoia on his part given his history with this officer.
“Soon as we hit port the CAG gave us all 24 hours on shore. We found a seedy little bar and proceeded to drink ourselves stupid. Then we picked up some women and, well, sort of worked it out of our system until we passed out. Next day we went back to work.”
The Captain just nodded. “That what you did last night?”
“Sir?” Harm almost choked, now where the hell did that come from. “There aren’t any bars on a carrier.”
“True, but there are women.”
“Off limits. Why are you asking sir?” Harm was getting suspicious now.
“One of my officers reported hearing some… ah… unusual sounds from the cabin you and the Colonel occupied last night. Just wondered if I needed to be concerned about good order and discipline.” Ingles still had that odd smile on his face. Harms skin was beginning to crawl.
Harm opened his mouth to speak even though he didn’t have a clue what he was going to say when he felt the hair raise on the back of his neck.
“That would be my fault sir,” her voice came from directly behind him. Dear god how long had she been standing there. He felt the blood drain from his face. “I….uh I was having a little unmilitary difficulty dealing with all that has happened. I’m afraid I kept the Commander awake for quite a while. He was very kind, sitting and comforting me. It was an unforgivable breach sir, but it won’t happen again you can be sure.”
The Captain just smiled. “I’m sure it won’t Colonel. That particular set of circumstances is unlikely to present itself a second time in anyone’s life. Welcome aboard. Hope you will be with us for a while, although I doubt Chegwidden will want to be without you for long. If you’ll excuse me I have a ship to run. Commander, have a safe trip. Colonel I’d like to meet with you at 14:00 to go over some of the unique situations we are dealing with since the last time you came aboard.” The Captain left without looking back
Harm had the distinct feeling that he had been sandbagged. Everything that was said since Mac walked up suddenly seemed to have a dual meaning.
“Thanks Mac,” Harm smiled nervously. “I wasn’t sure what I was going to tell him.”
She smiled brightly at him, too brightly and he could tell by the look in her eyes that she had not only heard everything but had taken it exactly the wrong way. Damn, he should have realized when the Captains eyes glanced behind him. Was it a subtle warning or did the man let him ramble on purpose? Damn.
“Oh c’mon Harm you seemed to be doing fine.” She answered in a fine approximation of their legendary banter.
“You…. you heard what I said. Mac that was another time, another place.” He had to make her understand.
She reached over and patted his hand. “It’s OK Harm, we were both distraught. Don’t worry about it.”
His heart sank. “Mac it wasn’t like that.” His voice went up a notch.
Mac stood and bundled her toast in a napkin. “Ssshhh.” She glanced around the room. “I’m running late Harm; would you dump my tray for me please? And you only have 53 minutes to catch your chopper. I’ll see you on the flight deck before you leave.” With another bright smile she dashed out of the room.
Harm was frantic now. How was he going to get his gear together, find her and make her understand in 53 minutes? He started by quickly putting their trays together and dumping them. Then he dashed for JAG-OPS. He had just missed her and, no sir, she didn’t know where the Colonel was going, P.O. Coates informed him with a puzzled frown. This girl was entirely too bright. Harm had the fleeting impression she had just put two and two together and come up with a really solid four.
He tried everywhere he could think of before time ran out. He had to grab his gear and almost run through the corridors to make his flight. He arrived with about 90 seconds to spare. She was just walking around the corner from the other direction.
She held out her hand in a perfect officer style farewell. “Have a good flight Commander. Give Harriet a hug for me, and little A.J. I’ll e-mail the Admiral later and catch him up on everything.” Then in another voice. “Good-bye Harm.” Just before she turned and almost fled down the corridor he saw the sparkle of a tear in her eyes.
“Mac wait” he set his bag down and started after her.
“Sorry sir” a voice stopped him. “You have to get on board now.” The deck officer informed him firmly.
Harm just stood there for a minute completely lost. The most important event of his life had just happened and he had screwed it up as he always suspected he would. That was a big part of the reason he had never taken the step before. He wondered briefly about the phrase self-fulfilling prophecy. Was this always destined to have happened? He shook his head picked up his bag and walked to the chopper. He sincerely doubted he would ever be able to fix this mess. He had no idea just how big the mess really was.
Part 3
10:00 Wednesday
Four months later
“Captain Ingles? A.J. Chegwidden here. I just received a transfer request from Colonel McKenzie.”
“Yes sir I’m aware of it” Ingles tone was guarded.
“I’m rather surprised. I let her stay because she requested the assignment and now she wants to go to San Diego. What’s up Captain, are you unhappy with her work?”
“On the contrary, Admiral. If I had my way I would keep her permanently. She is an outstanding officer. Her conduct is exemplary. Her knowledge of everything pertaining to the law as it applies to the military is boundless and,” Ingles chuckled “she’s the only JAG officer I’ve ever seen besides Rabb who can shut down the pilots when they get frisky during a briefing.”
A.J. knew all too well where she acquired that talent.
“Then what’s the problem Captain? Is the Colonel unhappy?” Admiral Chegwidden was getting impatient with the information he wasn’t getting.
“Ah…. well sir, unfortunately the Colonel…. Sir, the Colonel should really be talking to you herself.”
“Captain I want an answer and I want it now” Chegwidden growled
“Yes sir. The fact is she can no longer serve on a carrier. It isn’t safe.”
“What do you mean it isn’t safe she’s a Marine for chrissake…. oh god, no!” Chegwidden stopped dead. He just figured out the only reason a woman couldn’t serve on a carrier.
“Who, when, how? Someone on board Captain?” Chegwidden fired the questions in rapid succession.
“Admiral she is not saying who; she swears it’s not one of my crew and I believe her. When? The doc says almost exactly four months ago and I think we both know how.”
A.J. snorted at the last one.
“What makes you believe it isn’t one of your crew?”
“Admiral we’re talking about Colonel MacKenzie.” Ingles said knowing that was sufficient explanation.
“Christ! Rabb!” The Admirals voice dripped with aggravation. Even over the phone the Captain could see the look on the Admirals face and picture him scrubbing his head with his hand. He wasn’t sure anyone in the world would willingly trade places with Rabb now.
“That would be my guess sir. Do you think he knows?”
“I’d bet one of my stars he doesn’t. That’s why she wants a transfer.” A.J. concluded. “Well if that’s what she wants. Have her call me Captain. One more thing, does anyone on the carrier know?” ‘If Rabb doesn’t know it's because she wants to keep it that way. I may not agree with it but I have to honor her wishes if I can’, the thought ran through A.J.’s head.
“Only the doc, his corpsman and maybe her legal assistant. Cammies can hide a lot.” The Captain replied.
“Good. Try to keep it that way if you can. I’ll take care of the rest. There will be a new JAG officer on the way tomorrow. Oh…uh, one more thing, Captain.”
“Yes?” came the guarded reply.
“You could charge them, or at least her.” A.J. was testing very dangerous waters.
“I could try but I have no proof it happened here Admiral. Besides, don’t you think they have enough to worry about?” Ingles smiled.
“Thank you Captain.” He cut the connection. Wonders would never cease.
Ingles hung up secure with himself that the right thing and regulations weren’t always the same thing.
18:00 Friday
Same week
JAG HQ
The admiral's cell phone rang. “Chegwidden” he barked’
“Admiral? It’s Colonel MacKenzie sir. I just landed at National. You said to report as soon as I arrived.” Her voice was hesitant.
“Colonel, I need you to come to the office.”
“Sir, with all due respect…. that is…. um, I’m not in uniform sir.” She must have thought that was a satisfactory excuse for almost disobeying an almost order.
“Colonel get a cab and come to the office that’s an order. And Colonel, he’s not here he’s in Pensacola.” The Admiral finished in a softer tone.
The line was quiet long enough for him to think the connection was broken. Then he heard a small voice.
“How did you know sir?”
“It wasn’t real difficult to figure out, Colonel. We need to talk. Go get a cab.” He broke the connection.
“Tiner”
“Yes sir?” his head popped in the door almost too quickly.
“Go home.”
“Sir?”
“And tell everyone else to go home too. I want this place cleared in ten minutes. Understand?”
“Yes sir” His tone was disappointed. He was dying to find out what was going on.
She had a sinking feeling when she paid the cab and walked up the steps that the Admiral wasn’t going to make this easy. He had every right to be angry with her, he probably felt betrayed. After all he counted on her and now she was asking to leave.
She couldn’t help the feeling of awe and wonder, even pure elation over the baby growing inside her. It was what she had always wanted even if the circumstances were not as she had dreamed. She knew what she had done the very moment it happened; and she knew she had made the choice consciously. She had hoped there would have been more between her and Harm. That they could have at least shared this, if not their lives, but she knew deep down she hadn’t really counted on it.
He emailed her regularly and she answered but it was pretty impersonal. That’s the way email was. He had called a few times, but given the time differences it was difficult to really have a private conversation. She didn’t want to hear more of his apologies anyway. She knew how he was and she had decided to accept it. She was just disappointed to know that she hadn’t meant at least a little to him. Their contacts had grown less frequent over the last several weeks and she had surmised this meant he had become otherwise involved.
If he had at least allowed her to believe that night meant something, she could be at peace with being alone. She was working on it. Only one more hurdle to cross. She took a deep breath and knocked on the Admirals door.
“Enter.”
She prayed there would be no one else there as she opened the door. Relieved to see the Admiral alone she stepped slowly inside and was overwhelmed by the look on his face. He seemed genuinely happy to see her if not happy with the situation. God she hoped the Admiral hadn’t said anything to Rabb. But then he wouldn’t, she knew that.
“Colonel.” He said more kindly than she felt she deserved. “Come in, take a seat.” She wasn’t in uniform so he wasn’t standing on protocol.
He looked at her for several moments; he was really at a loss for words. He had rehearsed several ways of handling this and now they all fled. He didn’t think he had ever seen her look so frightened and alone or so determined and strong. The underlying element was contentment. Whatever had happened she was nearly at peace with it. In a sudden moment he was no longer her commanding officer but her friend. The paperwork was done; he had ordered her here for only one reason. But he felt a compelling need to try to help the person behind the officer he valued.
In that moment he came around his desk and sat in the chair next to her.
“Mac are you sure this is the right thing to do? Shouldn’t you at least talk to him?”
“There’s really nothing to talk about Admiral. I made a choice. It wasn’t his; it was mine. What happened was a result of extreme emotional fatigue. Nothing more.”
“Mac right now I’m not the Admiral, I’m A.J. your friend but much as I’d like to strangle him, I’m Harms friend too. He has a right to know. He will find out eventually.”
“Maybe by the time he finds out he won’t even realize what happened. Maybe he won’t even remember it.” She was bluffing.
A.J. shot up out of his chair and turned to hover over her. “You don’t believe that, not for a minute. He’s not stupid. He’s an idiot but he’s not stupid.” He ran his hand over his head in his classic gesture of aggravation. He sank back down. He really didn’t want to upset her.
Tears were forming in her eyes. “Admiral….uh that is A.J. Look it happened, it was sort of like guys going out and getting drunk that sort of thing only we weren’t guys and we weren’t drinking. We lost control; it was my fault as much as his, maybe more because I was more aware, I was more in control. I could have stopped it but I didn’t. I had my reasons and now I have to deal with it. I can’t do this here though. I’ll tell my friends in time but for now I have a bigger responsibility and I don’t need what I will face coming back here.” Her eyes were pleading for understanding.
‘You knew at the time this could happen?” he asked in consternation. It was almost more of a statement.
She nodded. “It was a real possibility. I had a patch but it fell off a week or so before. The desert heat and dirt, the constant perspiration.” She shrugged. “A.J. let’s be honest, together we were just never going to get there; I let it happen sir. It’s my responsibility.”
“And you honestly don’t feel Harm would want to share it?” he was completely puzzled. He disagreed given Harms track record regarding children.
“That’s not really the issue sir. I can’t deal with his anger and hatred right now.” She hurried on as the Admiral looked like he would interrupt. “Look if I tell him, one of three things will happen. He will feel I trapped him, which I sort of did, and he will hate me. Maybe he will be happy about the baby but hate me because I didn’t tell him sooner. Or worst of all he will feel responsible, you know his true officer and gentleman thing, and feel some overwhelming need to do the right thing. In the end he will still hate me. I took the choice away from him. Now I can’t burden him with the consequences.”
“Can I ask you one more thing Mac?” She nodded. “Why are you so very certain this is how he feels?”
She really looked like she was going to break down and cry now but she managed to take a deep breath and hold it together.
“Something I overheard him say to Captain Ingles the next morning at breakfast. He wasn’t aware I had entered the room.”
“Mac, Harm has put his foot in his mouth before.”
“Yes he has, maybe never this big or maybe I’m just tired of it, I’m not sure. There was also something he didn’t say.”
A.J. nodded in sad understanding.
“I have to tell you Mac he’s been driving me nuts for months trying to get every assignment that would take him anywhere near you. The last four weeks I’ve had to send him to the West coast twice and to Hawaii once because he was making me crazy.”
She almost smiled and he could see her examining this bit of information before shutting it away somewhere in her mind.
“Sir, if there’s nothing else I really don’t think I want to talk about this any more.”
“Only one more thing, well actually two. Is this permanent or will you come back to JAG HQ?”
“I guess that will be up to you and whether you have an opening for me in the future sir. And the other thing?”
He could tell she was tired. He walked to his desk and pulled out the familiar blue binder and a small box.
“Colonel I really looked forward to doing this with full honors and the entire staff present but I guess that won’t work.”
The Admiral administered the oath for her promotion to full Colonel and handed her the box with her eagles and the binder with her certificate.
“Congratulations! Colonel you earned it.”
All she could manage was a watery “Thank you sir.”