Disclaimer: JAG is owned by Belisarius Productions; no copyright infringement is intended.
Spoilers: Everything up through the end of Season 8.
Warnings: Rated R due to adult theme and sexual scenes. An NC-17 version is available elsewhere. This story involves an adult theme and may not be suitable for younger readers.
Author Notes: This is my very first fanfiction, and I'd appreciate any feedback. By the way, I haven't actually seen the last two Season 8 episodes because of the isolated region I live in, so I just went by the Jag Review and episode descriptions. I also want to add that I borrowed one line from H. Lee's fanfiction Steal in which Harm is "...doomed to live a life of unresolved arousal". I just loved the way she put that, and I think H. Lee is a great author.
Page 1
Thursday, 2100
Over the Gulf of Mexico
Harm was lost in thought as he stared at the black night through the airplane window. His left hand touched the glass absentmindedly, tracing water droplets from the outside air. The cabin was dark, and most passengers were sleeping. A few read with dim lights on, including his partner beside him. Harm tried to stretch out his long legs under the seat before him. It was no use. He was emotionally and physically exhausted after this trip, but couldn't rest. Everything in his life was up in the air, and his mind just kept going over all the events of the past week. He had no job to return to. He would probably never fly an F-14 again in his life. The most significant person in the world to him, the one that he always thought would be there...waiting, was somehow out of reach, almost gone... and he knew it. His chest felt heavy from disappointment and loss. It was over.
Yet, he had no regrets about giving everything up for Mac. Nothing in the world would have kept him from going after her.....finding her. He knew he had done the right thing. At least his heart was settled on that issue. In truth, it had almost been too late. His forehead tensed and his mind blocked out that thought; it was too much to even contemplate. Out of the darkness of the window, a single light from the ground pulled Harm's mind back to the present. He could easily get overwhelmed by all that weighed on his heart.
Harm glanced over towards Mac and watched her as she quietly read. A distant calmness had settled between them. A lot was left unsaid. He was amazed that she could distract herself with some casual novel, after all of that had happened. She seemed oblivious to his stare. After a moment, he just faced forward and closed his eyes. This was it. Harm knew he was at a turning point in his life. He had to tell her everything...even if he felt embarrassed by it all. He had kept his secret for too long. She had to know. Maybe then he could try to heal some of the damage he had done. Perhaps it wasn't too late.
He thought back to their experiences in Paraguay. Harm was amazed that neither of them were seriously injured from the plane crash. He wouldn't blame Mac if she never rode in an airplane with him again.
28 hours earlier
Paraguay
After taking time to make sure they were both in one piece, Harm and Mac gathered whatever supplies they could find in the crop duster. Mac shed her pregnancy suit, knowing it was only added weight for the trek ahead. They filled a discarded knapsack and headed out over the fields using a compass from the emergency kit. With military training almost an instinct, they were both oriented enough to know which way to travel. They knew it was just a matter of time before they reached a small town or city.
Harm and Mac walked mostly in silence and kept to the trees whenever possible. They took a few short breaks to rest, but adrenalin and anxiety drove them onward, across the fertile terrain and, hopefully, out of Paraguay. Eventually, at dusk, they realized that they would have to spend the night out in the countryside. As the sky darkened, they could see city lights in the distance but knew it was too far. They discussed their options of walking all night or trying to sleep on the hard ground. They resigned themselves to the latter.
The landscape was filled with shadowed clusters of vegetation and small hills between fields, all fading with the light. On the horizon, the moon began its rise into the evening sky. Harm pointed to a grassy area tucked away under a canopy of trees, barely visible with the ensuing gray dimness. It seemed protected from the elements and somewhat out of the way. After a moment of consideration, they headed off in that direction. Up close, Mac surveyed the area and turned slowly around.
"Well, it's not a hotel with room service, but it will do."
"My sentiments exactly. Let's fall out."
"Do you want to share the last of the airplane's water now?"
"Yeah, but you go first."
Mac took a long drink, then handed the bottle to Harm. He finished what remained, and then paused to take stock of their situation. They were both tired and still in a bit of denial about their horrible circumstances. It wasn't that either of them feared for their lives to end in the immediate future. Their shock and agitation had to do with what they had been through hours earlier. Webb may be dead. Mac could have been tortured and killed as well. They had barely escaped death in a plane crash.
Harm was fully aware that he was getting too old to survive these kinds of physical assaults. Every trauma and blow from his previous crashes had made their impact felt on his body over time, and he knew this was no exception. Actually, he couldn't believe he had gotten out of this accident alive. It really was a miracle, but underneath, Harm felt almost guilty, like he had cheated death...whereas fate may have already dictated a different outcome for Webb. This left Harm with a feeling of sadness, one which hung heavy in the air around him, yet couldn't be resolved. It was unspoken, but the worry about Webb's survival constantly pressed upon both Harm and Mac. It was easy to dwell on Webb's precarious condition during the many hours of trudging through the fields.
With an inner pang of concern, Harm thoughts turned towards the other pressing matter...the kiss. The image had never left his mind throughout the long day. What did it mean? It was impossible to dismiss. Maybe it reflected something deeper between Mac and Webb, or perhaps simply a gesture of compassion. It was just this loving kiss, engaged before him by two people who obviously cared for each other, as if married, while he stood idly by. It was suspended out there in Harm's thoughts, encircled by more unknowns. Harm had to leave those ruminations for now. Harm mentally forced himself to focus on the present. He and Mac were stuck out in the middle of nowhere, in a foreign country, with dangerous people intent on doing them harm. They had no food or water and a whole lot of walking to do. It was all pretty bad.
Mac patted the damp earth with her hands searching for a flat area to rest-anyplace soft. She sat down on the ground with a sigh. The foliage was thick, and they were obviously far from civilization. She leaned back on her arms and considered her surroundings. At least it probably wouldn't be a cold night. The evening air was almost pleasant. Mac studied Harm from her vantage point, and noticed his hesitancy in joining her. He was so tall standing above her in the partial moonlight. What was going on in his mind? He had been so quiet all day, almost solemn.
Mac wondered if they were going to talk about what happened. After a pause, Harm turned and stepped away from the campsite for a moment alone. She followed Harm's retreat with her eyes, and deduced why he was headed for the surrounding bushes. It had been a long time since they had even stopped along their journey. She aught to make a visit to the trees as well, but she was just too tired to get up for the moment. Maybe later on. They had traveled and worked together for so long, it almost seemed expected that they would be spending the night alone in the woods, relying on each other for survival. Somehow this was all too familiar.
Once Harm returned, he sat down beside Mac and unfolded his legs. He was still sore all over. He figured Mac was too, but in her typical Marine style, she wasn't complaining.
Harm asked Mac how she was doing, and she replied with a few vague answers. Her attitude seemed resigned to the tasks at hand, and she evidently chose not to focus on the negatives.
Harm spoke softly, "I guess we had better try to sleep, then. I'm sure it's going to be a long night."
"Can you pull out one of those delicious MRE's you've been hiding in that pack all day? I think the chicken casserole with peach cobbler sounds perfect."
"Even I would eat that if we had some to share." They chuckled together, and their amusement diminished some of the oppressive tension from the day.
There was a long pause. The still night air was punctuated by the occasional sounds of insects buzzing around them.
"Mac, do you want to sleep close together tonight? We don't really need to share body heat....but...I was just wondering...if you wanted to..."
"Come over here, Harm. You can stretch out beside me."
Harm inched his way towards Mac, and lay down on his side behind her. There was a momentary awkwardness, but gradually her nearness drew him in. His senses were confronted by her proximity and touch. It seemed so natural to pull her close, and to wrap his hands around her waist. She didn't complain. It felt so good, so comforting, to feel Mac's warm body and lean into her. He never wanted to move from this spot, if he could just remain like this forever. She was safe. She was alive. She was real, breathing right beside him. Her hair brushed against his cheek, and he could almost hear her heartbeat through her chest. He hugged her tightly for a brief moment, just to confirm that she was okay. He tried to vanquish his nightmares about her life in peril, and let his squeeze linger. He felt like the illusion of safety might fall apart if he let go. Finally, Harm relaxed his hold on her and made an attempt to get comfortable. Mac was motionless in his arms, but awake.
Out of the stillness, they began to talk quietly about recent events, and an unguarded intimacy developed between them. Harm expressed his remorse for Webb and crashing yet another plane. He somehow felt responsible for the pain she had endured, and desperately wanted to get her out of this whole mess. Mac revealed a little about what had transpired with the terrorists, and Harm realized the utter selflessness Webb had demonstrated. He may not like Webb, but it was obvious that he had done his best to protect Mac. For that, he would be forever thankful. He told her how distressed he had been upon seeing her in restraints and on the verge of being tortured. Mac tensed in Harm's embrace, as she tried to keep her emotions in check. Harm did not push her to share any further.
Eventually Mac asked how the Admiral knew she and Webb had been in trouble, and why he had sent Harm down to help.
"He didn't send me down. I came on my own."
"You mean you took leave of absence?"
"No...Admiral Chegwidden wouldn't approve it."
"That doesn't make sense. Then how are you here?
"I resigned my commission in the Navy."
A shocked intake of breath followed from Mac.
"You what?"
"I left the Navy."
"Oh, my God, Harm. You can't be serious!"
"Unfortunately, I am."
Mac leaned away to study Harm's face. "But that's your whole life, your dreams, goals, everything!"
"It wasn't everything, Mac. There's more to life than a job."
"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard coming from you, Harm. Your entire life has been about following the Rabb tradition, flying jets, practicing the law. The Navy is who you are. You can't just give it all up!"
"Well, I did."
Mac just shook her head in silence. She almost wanted to scream in outrage. Then it hit her. He did it all for her-all to save her life. A wave of emotional angst swept over her. The enormity of his sacrifice was overwhelming. She didn't know what to say. Time passed between them.
"What will you do now?" Mac brought up softly.
"I'll find some kind of civilian job, I guess. I'll survive. It isn't the end of the world, Mac."
"I cannot picture you in a suit and tie, dedicating your life to civilian defense. It just doesn't seem right."
"I'll be okay."
Mac composed herself and then deliberated about what to say next. She wanted to impress upon Harm how grateful she was....how supremely thankful. Her eyes met his, and she could just make out the look of resignation on his face.
"Harm, I know you came down to Paraguay to help me. You saved my life. I don't know how to express in words how much I appreciate what you've done. I can't speculate what this will mean for your life, but obviously you've given up a lot. I just...I mean, how can I ever possibly thank you?"
"You know you don't have to, Mac. You're worth it." Harm tightened his hold on her. "Without any hesitation, I would throw it all away again to make sure you were okay. I couldn't bear the thought of something bad happening to you." Harm peered directly into Mac's eyes and said pointedly, "I have no regrets. It was well worth it, believe me."
He held her close, and Mac rested her head back onto the ground, staring into the blackness of space. His words just hung in the air.
Finally, Harm decided to bring up what had occurred between Mac and Webb. He treaded delicately with his inquiry, but Mac realized he was probing for what her feelings were for Webb.
"Mac, what I saw, I mean, I know it was a private moment, between the two of you, and I know you both must have been through a lot together, but...well, I have to wonder what it meant to you...the kiss, I mean...."
With a heavy sigh, Mac replied, "Harm, I can't talk about that right now. It is hard to explain, and honestly, I don't know myself."
Harm felt frozen in his position next to her. He was taken back. In a way, he had been hoping for a clear-cut dismissal. He had expected her to deny the significance of the kiss. In a sense he felt ousted. He didn't like the implications of what she said, and he wanted to know where he stood. He cleared his throat, "So, you have feelings for Webb..."
"Harm, I have to sort that out. I care for him, and we have a bond, a special understanding between us. Our relationship just became closer on this trip. Let's just leave it at that. I don't know right now. I can't talk about it, when I don't even know if he is dead or alive."
Harm's heart sank into his chest. It didn't take a cognitive leap to get the picture. She may be romantically involved with Webb. Somehow, he'd have to come to terms with this new insight.
With that, they spoke no further. The night dragged on, and Harm lay awake with all of the thoughts that were spinning in his head. He was in a state of fatigue, mixed with apprehension-all of his nerve endings were on edge. He felt hollow. Empty. In the early hours before dawn, Harm's mood darkened further and he came to realize that he had no control over Mac's heart or decisions. He was impotent to change the past, helpless to change the present. Funny choice of words, he thought. He hadn't even begun to deal with THAT issue. He felt emotionally wrecked. Harm knew he would have to get it together by morning, so he willed himself to focus on their survival. He would never let Mac know how much this affected him. For some reason, with everything else in his life unsettled, he had counted on Mac to be the one constant. He hadn't been fully aware of how much he relied on her for support, friendship, and more. It wasn't until he faced her potential loss, up close, that he was propelled into a longing for what may never be. After another hour of recriminations, Harm eventually drifted off into sleep.
At sunrise, Harm and Mac were still entwined with each other on the on the cool grass. Mac slowly became aware of Harm's strong body partially covering hers, with one leg draped over. She felt safe in his arms. She loved his nearness, his scent, his touch, his whiskers. She looked at his handsome face, full of small imperfections, each one she knew well and loved. He was larger than life...but also so human...beautiful and flawed at the same time. She saw the early morning light move across his skin. She wanted to suspend this moment forever, but knew it would not last. Only now, for this brief window in time, while on some dangerous adventure, would she get to lie beside Harm and watch him sleep, to be apart of his inner world. She would never posses Harmon Rabb, Jr. He was always out of reach, always the amazing hero, rescuing her at the last minute. Her heart could no longer take the hoping, the wishing, the waiting for more. She had to let him go.
A half an hour later, Harm and Mac silently rose, gathered their belongings and fortitude, and began the tedious journey out of Paraguay.
Friday 1930
National Airport
Washington, D.C.
Once they exited the airplane, Harm and Mac shared cab together back to their respective apartments. They talked about incidental things on the way home, and Mac had even eased back into the seat, leaning gently on Harm's shoulder. They were companions...best friends. Perhaps that was all they would ever be. When they arrived at his place, Harm got out of the taxi with his jacket in hand and turned around. He looked down at Mac and gave her a tender smile. He felt a little awkward standing there, but he just didn't feel ready to say goodbye...to break their connection. Somehow all of the chaos that they had endured in South America bound them together. He didn't want to let that go. He didn't want it to be over.
Mac glanced up at Harm affectionately, and reached out to touch his hand. She squeezed it and asked, "Are you going to be okay?
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
"Then I'll call you tomorrow sometime." She hesitated and looked at him.
Harm returned her stare, and allowed his eyes hold hers for a moment. It was too much. He reluctantly realized there was nothing to say...not right now. He shrugged, and with a low wave of his hand, gestured farewell. He tried to seem casual. "Get some rest."
"You too," she replied and leaned back into the cab. Her face became hidden from him. In his heart, Harm felt like she was already gone.
With that, Harm shut the door and allowed time to move forward. He watched a few seconds as the cab pulled away from the sidewalk and merged into the street traffic. Just as he always had, Harm permitted Mac to drift away from him...this time in a car, leaving him at the curb, carrying her away into the night. He felt so weary. Harm turned and headed up, trying to prepare himself for whatever life would bring him.