Fear Of Flying

October 28, 2002

Spoilers: Anything up to and including Hero Worship.

Disclaimer: All characters of JAG belong to Donald Bellasarius and Bellasarius Productions; no copyright infringement intended. Song credits: "Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson, "The One" by Gary Allan, “To be with you” by Jamie O’Neal.

Chapter 1

1530 local Friday
Harm’s office

Savoring a fresh cup of coffee, Harm thumbed through his desk calendar. I can’t believe only two weeks till Bud ships off. Things won’t be the same without him here, he thought to himself.

The Admiral’s party, or rather the party that Harriet had “talked” him into having was next Saturday evening. Harm laughed thinking, She certainly knows how to get him to do things he would otherwise never consider, like Mac’s engagement party. Another difficult party I had to live through. Maybe I should just give my regrets and have a quiet evening at home. Bud would understand, at least I hope he will.

Bud’s promotion was not a surprise to him, but his assignment on a carrier was. He didn’t think that Bud would agree to go, leaving Harriet and little AJ behind. He’s a stronger man than I am Harm thought remembering the times that he and Mac said “good-bye” over the years. His heart couldn’t handle another good-bye and wondered if that was where all the turmoil between he and Mac would lead. God, I hope not. If she would just hear me out, things would be different.

Sighing, Harm returned to his stack of files, not sure which disaster to open first. Concentration was not his strong point today. He couldn’t help but remember all the cases he and Bud worked on together, especially the “trip” to Australia. That was one helluva vacation he laughed, remembering the broken jaw he and Bugme gave Bud. Amazing how Mac was the only one who understood him. He mentally shifted gears. Amazing, that is definitely a word to describe her. Now he was frustrated. He wasn’t going to get any work done today. Thoughts of Mac were clouding his mind. They had tried to have “the talk” out on the Guadalcanal and again since then. But there was always something getting in the way. Wasn’t for my lack of trying, that’s for sure! he thought, finally giving up on his cluttered desk. Grabbing his briefcase and hat, he decided to call it a day. A run and a hot shower sound good about now.

Same time
Bud & Harriet’s house

Mac had definitely been distracted lately too. For as much as she wanted to help Harriet pack, she regretted it once she got there. Harriet chattered the whole time about Bud and how she would write and send pictures. God, this is so hard. And she is so upbeat! I couldn’t be that strong—sending a husband thousands of miles away into a war zone, moving to a smaller apartment, a toddler. She is so committed and without fear!

Mac picked up a collage picture frame and started to wrap it in newspaper. Turning it over she saw all the pictures of Harriet and Bud’s life. The picture of she and Harm holding little AJ as a baby was right in the middle. The smiles on their faces spoke to her. For a brief moment she thought We could have that! What am I so afraid of?

“Mac? You alright?” Harriet called to her from across the room.

“I’m sorry Harriet, what did you say?” Mac replied, quickly wrapping the picture and wiping her eyes before Harriet saw the tears.

“I was just wondering if you wanted anything to eat. We’ve been at this awhile . .“

Harriet’s words drifted in the air without Mac really hearing them. She was still focused on the now-wrapped picture in the box. Seeing the picture was such a reminder of how it used to be between them. They were sent spiraling out of control with Mic, Renee, the accident. At times it seemed like they were finding their way back to each other. But her fear had gotten the better of her several times when they tried to have “the talk”. Frankly, she was downright mean on the Guadalcanal according to her recollection. All I ever wanted was for Harm to let go of that control and every time he tried I turned away.

Harriet’s persistence about getting something to eat brought a stop to the packing for now. They were almost done, just a few little things. The movers were coming tomorrow so they would need to finish at some point.

0800 local Monday
JAG

Mac had spent most of the weekend with Harriet and Bud, staying busy to keep her emotions in check. She hadn’t seen Harm since Thursday. That was a good thing, right? Out of site, out of mind. Wrong! Walking through the doors into the bullpen brought those closely guarded emotions front and center. His office was open and silently beckoning her. Can’t do this, not now. If I can just get to my office without him seeing him, maybe I have half a shot at getting some work done undistracted. Her haste to get into her office sent her files tumbling from her arms onto the floor.

She cursed to herself. As she bent down to start the “paper chase” a familiar hand reached down and began gathering the files.

“Here, let me help you, Mac.”

Looking up, they were at eye level, and for a moment she got lost in those blue reflecting pools he had for eyes.

“I’m alright, Harm. I can get these—thanks anyway” Mac said brusquely, looking away to save her soul from drowning.

He stood there not knowing what to say. All attempts to communicate were promptly shut down by Mac. Harm started to say “let’s talk” for about the hundredth time and decided that it wasn’t worth the effort to fight right now.

Once inside her office, Mac dumped the tangled mess of files on her desk, shut the door, pulled the shades and crumpled to the floor in tears. She silently prayed no one could hear her sobs. It was all becoming painfully obvious to her that her fear was pushing away the one man she had ever truly loved with all her being. She shut down every time—the struggle between wanting him and the fear of losing him crushing her.

Harm walked back to his office and paced the floor. OK, maybe I should just go back there and just talk whether she listens or not. When she looked into my eyes I know I saw something that resembled how she used to look at me. It’s almost like she’s trying to bury it deeper and deeper. I’m going to talk to her now! Harm did an abrupt about-face, almost running Bud over on the way out.

“Commander . . .Harm . . .do you have a moment?”

“Uh, sure Bud, anytime . . .I’m just . . .” Harm stopped, looking toward Mac’s closed door “Yeah, come on in, I have some time” he said closing his door behind Bud.

“What can I do for you? You almost packed and ready to ship-off?”

“Yes, sir, Harm, that’s why I’m here. You see, well, what I need to talk to you about . . . . OK,” he said taking a deep breath, “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind looking after Harriet and AJ for me while I’m away. If she knew I was asking you to do this she would be angry, but I would certainly feel better knowing that my closest friend, my son’s Godfather, would take care of them.”

Harm was speechless. He was honored that Bud thought of him that way. Without hesitation, he replied, “Of course, Bud, you can count on me. I would be honored to do that for you. Mac and I adore Little AJ—I know she will be happy to help out as well” Harm automatically included Mac out of force of habit. He knew it was safe to assume that Mac would be agreeable to this. Their friends were about the only things that brought them together anymore. They shared a common bond with Little AJ, a strong bond. They loved that little boy and would do anything for Bud and Harriet as well. Maybe this common ground will be enough for us, Harm wondered briefly. Bud brought Harm’s thoughts back to the here and now.

“You are planning on coming to the Admiral’s Saturday, aren’t you?”

“Well, I . . . .” Bud’s face was beginning to show disappointment as Harm was ready to give his excuses. “Sure, I wouldn’t miss it for the world” he smiled, wondering if he was going to regret going.

Chapter 2

Saturday
1630
Admiral’s home

“As usual, you’ve outdone yourself Harriet”, AJ said admiring the array of food and the guests streaming through his door.

“Thank you, sir.” replied Harriet, beaming with joy.

The last party held at the Admiral’s was Mac’s engagement party. AJ was a little apprehensive, but none the less agreeable. Bud had come a long way in his career—it was a big move for him and Harriet, he deserved a proper send off. He couldn’t help but think about how things had turned out for Mac. He had hoped he’d be pulling Admiral’s privilege by now for her and Harm, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t happening. In fact, he really thought the next party would have been for them. Well, maybe someday AJ thought as he turned his attentions to the arriving guests.

Mac’s Apartment
Same time

Mac sat on her bed, legs drawn up to her chin with her arms wrapped around them, listening to music, trying to get the energy to get going. She knew she should be getting dressed to go to the Admiral’s, but she couldn’t. Maybe I’ll just call and give some sort of excuse, I’m sure they would understand. Mac sighed, No, they wouldn’t. This is a big day for Bud, Harriet would never forgive me. It’s not fair to them. I’ll just have to forget my problems with Harm, put on my game face and go. The music resonating through the room wasn’t helping matters.

I'm so scared that the way that I feel,
Is written all over my face,
When you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place,
We used to laugh, we used to hug,
The way that old friends do,
But now a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued,
It's such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth,
Is it fact or fiction the way I feel for you.

It's so complicated, I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay,
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel,
Oh, I want you to know,
But then again I don't,
It's so complicated.

Saying it was complicated was putting it mildly she thought, getting off the bed. Never before in her life did fear take control of her. Now pacing the room like a caged cat, Mac was letting it consume her. She lost count of the number of times she wanted to give in to her emotions and run to him, but her fear always stopped her dead in her tracks.

Just when I think I'm under control,
I think I finally got a grip,
Another friend tells me that,
My name is always on your lips,
They say I'm more than just a friend,
They say I must be blind,
Well I admit that I've seen you watch me,
From the corner of your eye,
Oh it's so confusing I wish you'd just confess,
But think of what I'd be losing,
If your answer wasn't yes.

Was it worth the risk? She remembered asking him on that ferry. At that time she thought it was, now she wasn’t so sure. She couldn’t take another failed relationship. If it went under it would take her best friend with it and that was unacceptable. But her behavior lately was destroying their friendship too. The other day in the office when she dropped her files, the “old” Mac would not have dismissed him so quickly and the “old” Harm would not have let her. The more she pushed him away, the more he stayed away.

It's so complicated, I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay,
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel,
Oh, I want you to know,
But then again I don't,
It's so complicated.

I hate it 'cause I've waited so long for someone like you,
Should I say it,
Should I tell you how I feel,
Oh I want you to know,
But then again I don't,
It's so complicated.

Why am I doing this? Get a grip, Marine! Get on with your life! Mac strode over to the CD player and promptly shut it off. I can do this—I can go to that party and have a good time. Mac quickly dressed—casual—jeans and a sleeveless sweater. She stood before the mirror and checked her image. Deep breath—OK I am ready as I’ll ever be. Grabbing her purse, she began her journey to the Admiral’s.

Chapter 3

1640 local
Admiral’s home

Harm pulled his SUV into the driveway. No Corvette in sight. Maybe she decided to stay home, he thought, a little disappointed. Walking up to the front porch he stopped. How vivid were his memories of her party and “the porch”. Its past history, gotta move on and he ascended the porch and walked in the door.

“Mr. Rabb, glad to see you could make it”, the Admiral said. “Where’s Mac? I thought she’d be here now.”

“I’m not sure, sir. I haven’t seen her since yesterday. I assumed she’d be here by now. Would you like me to call?”

“Won’t be necessary. She’ll show up. Please, make yourself at home. I think Harriet and Bud are on the patio with Sturgis and Bobbie.”

“Thank you, sir.” AJ walked away leaving Harm in the foyer alone. Guess I better be social he thought heading for the patio.

20 minutes later
Admiral’s home

Mac eased her car in front of the Admiral’s home. Turning off the engine, she sighed. OK, here goes. Game face on, shoulders back. She opened the door and got out. I guess that answers that question she thought walking past Harm’s SUV. She could hear the music and laughter emanating from the back yard. The sight of the front porch stopped her. The last time she was here was her engagement party, and that porch well, it looks just like it did that night. She avoided using the front door and walked around the home to the back. The patio was crowded with well-wishers. Harriet saw her immediately and went over to greet her.

“Mac! I’m so glad you made it! I was beginning to think something happened” she said hugging her.

Something happened all right thinking of the fear that gripped her an hour ago.

“You know I wouldn’t miss this for anything. Where’s Bud?”

“He and the Admiral are talking baseball over there” she said pointing to the other side of the yard. Only problem with that was Harm was there too. His back to her, he never noticed her come in. Any other time, he would have been at the front door waiting impatiently. OK, now what? I could go over there and say hi and then make a quick retreat to the house.

Before she could start walking over, Bud noticed her and called to her. “Mac, over here!” Bud said waving. OK, here goes! Mac walked over to them.

Harm spun around instinctively to see her. Her jeans and sweater clinged to her every curve making him catch his breath. Oh yeah, you’re a picture of composure Rabb. The sight of her throws you into a tailspin.

“Gentlemen. You look like you are plotting something” she said with a forced smile, trying to be humorous.

“Just discussing Baltimore’s playoff chances” AJ replied “no plotting there, it’s been a good year thus far. Can I get you something to drink, Mac?”

“That’s OK, I can help myself. I’m going to see if I can help Harriet with anything. Try not to strain yourselves” she said laughing. Mac turned and started walking back to the house. OK, that went fine, probably sounded like an idiot. Forced the humor a little too much. Hope they didn’t notice.

Harm was still watching her walk to the house. She’s a little edgy, he noticed. Hope everything is OK. She seems so distracted. I wish we could just talk like we used to. I just want her to know that I never stopped caring, despite her attempts to push me away. Well, now is not the time or place. Been there, done that. Soon. I won’t let her keep doing this. He turned his attention back to the conversation about baseball, his mind and his heart not totally in it.

Chapter 4

1935 local
Admiral’s home

They managed to spend the evening avoiding one another. Each had hoped that no one noticed.

“Wonder what’s going on between them. They’ve been avoiding each other all night” Harriet said to Bud.

“I’m not sure. Harm talks about her but only in the past tense, about things they used to do or say. Mac looks uneasy—like there’s something she needs to do but can’t set her mind to it.”

“I know, Bud. I’m not even going to try to get in the middle of it. It may backfire and blow up in our faces. They’ll work it out on their own.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing—my wife doesn’t want to play matchmaker? Are you sick?” Bud said laughing, touching her forehead to feel for a fever.

Harriet swatted his hand away and said sternly “Stop it! They need to do this on their own, in their own way and time. Come on, let’s try to get Little AJ to sleep some until it’s time to go.” Harriet picked the toddler up and they both went into the house.

Mac was in the kitchen washing up some things when they came in.

“We’re just going to get AJ ready for bed” Harriet said to her.

“Why don’t you let me do that, if you don’t mind. I’d love to read to him and get him settled.” Mac said, drying her hands.

“OK—sure, if it isn’t a problem” Bud said.

“What problem—I’d love to do it. Now run along and socialize—you won’t be doing much of that once you ship off, Bud!”

Harriet kissed her son and handed him to Mac. “Good Night, sweetheart. Mommy loves you!”

Mac took him into the bedroom and got him washed up and changed into his pajamas. This is a welcome distraction she thought to herself, smiling at the little boy. Once he was ready for bed, she took him into the living room, turned on some quiet music and sat in the rocker holding little AJ on her lap. Tenderly and quietly, she read “Goodnight Moon”, his favorite story. Mac practically knew the words by heart.

Unseen by Mac, Harm stood in the doorway watching them. He was touched by the scene. How beautiful you are holding little AJ. Harm smiled warmly at them. He dreamt of her holding their own child so often that for awhile it seemed real to him. The familiar feeling of his eyes on her caused Mac to look up and see him standing there. She returned the warm smile, her edginess melting away. How comfortable this feels she thought. It feels real, the way it used to be, the way it should be.

Harm walked into the room and knelt down along side of the chair. He ran his fingers gently over little AJ’s head. His hand so close to her that he could feel her electricity coursing through his body. “He’s asleep” he whispered to her.

Mac sat for a moment, not quite sure how to get up out of the chair without waking the sleeping child. Harm sensed what she was thinking and said “Here, let me help you” sliding his arms under hers to lift the toddler. She didn’t dismiss him this time. His proximity to her made her shiver, but not from the cold. His touch enlivened her nerve endings.

Harm had full control over the sleeping child. He gently carried him to the bedroom, Mac following close behind. She turned the sheets down on the bed and Harm laid him down, ever so slowly, not wanting to wake little AJ or break the spell that had been cast over them. They both pulled the blanket up over him, pausing to make sure he was still asleep. “Come on, I think it’s safe” Harm whispered near her ear. His breath on her neck warmed her soul. Taking her hand he led her from the room. Mac quietly pulled the door closed, but leaving it ajar so they could hear if he woke. She followed Harm back to the living room. They were now alone.

Mac strode over to the window and slightly moved the blinds to look out onto the porch. The only presence on the porch was the ghosts of the past. Harm walked up behind her. It’s time. I’m not letting her push me away anymore. He brought his hands up to her shoulders, pausing before touching them. As he rested his hands on her, he said “Sarah, look at me” and turned her around to face him. Her eyes spoke volumes. He could see every pain she ever felt and fear, there was fear there too. She tried to look away, but he took his hand to the side of her face, almost forcing her to look at him. And she did, tears brimming, almost ready to overflow. Why are you so afraid? Harm thought, wanting to say it out loud.

For the first time in years, they didn’t know what to say to each other. The quiet echoed in the room, except for the song playing on the CD. It called out to both of them.

No rush though I need your touch
I won't rush your heart
Until you feel on solid ground
Until your strength is found, girl

I'll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I'll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"

Harm pulled Mac close to him, whispering “Dance with me, Sarah.” Slowly they moved together to the music. Mac tensed at the closeness they shared, Harm sensing this said “Relax, just let me hold you”. As the song continued, Mac began to ease a little.

Somebody else was here before
He treated you unkind
And broken wings need time to heal
Before a heart can fly, girl

I'll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I'll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"

Trust in me and you'll find a heart so true
All I want to do is give the best of me to you
And stand beside you
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"

As the song ended, the spell was broken, and Mac became edgy again. Harm spoke first. “I know things haven’t been easy lately. There’s a tension here that I don’t know how to break anymore. No, I do know how to break it, but it involves you listening to me.”

Mac started to protest, but he cut her off. “Not this time, Sarah. You’re not going to push me away again. Because if you do, I leave and there is no tomorrow, no turning back.”