| Karen |
Flights |
September 1, 2003 |
Author Notes: First, the normal disclaimer about non-ownership. I don’t own enough to satisfy the lawyers and I’m way too old to start over.
Another small offering for your amusement. This one even has some story behind it to support the torturous angst I inflict on our favorite couple. However as always I can’t be absolutely certain of the minute details of aircraft performance. The weather thing that comes up later is real though; I’ve seen storms like that. I’m also once again working on a dual ending. This time though they are both the same, however one cannot be posted here. If I feel comfortable or (HaHa) uncomfortable enough with it I may offer it as an email or find somewhere else to post that version. For now I hope you enjoy.
I would like to dedicatee this story to Lt. Cdr. Anthony Domino who lost his life in a training exercise at Fallon NAS. I started this story using this location before this terrible accident that is still under investigation, however I’m sure we are all sadden by the loss of a dedicated naval aviator.
Part 1
‘I think I’m getting too old for this shit,’ he thought to himself in that part of his mind that wasn’t completely consumed by the current problem. What had started out to be an escort and observe mission had ended up with Harm having to handle the full strike.
Now he had a wounded bird with insufficient fuel that he somehow had to keep in the air long enough to land safely back on the carrier. Adding to the problem was a young RIO who, it appeared, had developed a bad case of hero-worship after being told she was flying with the Navy’s Top Gun/JAG poster boy. And if that wasn’t enough the woman he loved more than his next breath was standing on the bridge of that carrier listening to every agonizing moment of this emerging disaster.
His blood pressure had just developed the potential to launch his flight helmet to the moon and he was producing enough adrenaline to easily power this bird if the fuel failed.
Whichever way the events unfolded in his life during the next half hour, they did not present him with pleasant options. Considering those options would not help him concentrate on the skilled maneuvers he would soon be called upon to perform. Even if he landed safely it would underscore tremendously the very reason he had hesitated becoming involved with Sarah. The overwhelming fact that, at any moment in his career, something could end his life leaving her alone forever.
If he didn’t make it back, if he crashed on the deck as he had before, he not only would take the life of another promising young aviator with him, he would leave Sarah to witness his fiery death alone in front of five thousand sailors with no one who cared to help her. She might keep her Marine officer persona in place through the experience but she would shatter inside. If she didn’t remain in control it would finish her career. The military took a dim view of hysteria during a crisis. This was something he had to stop doing to her.
Briefly he wondered if it was worse to actually witness something like this or have to see the officer clad in blue with gold crosses on his collar approach your door when you suspected nothing at all except another normal day. He couldn’t even guess.
His mind and body, functioning on the autopilot he often used when in the air, had brought him to the proper glide path and lined him up for his landing. Now if the fuel just held a few more seconds, if none of his controls were compromised he might just pull this off. Once he was down he only had to figure out how to distance himself from her at the exact moment when she needed him most.
He registered the order to eject somewhere in his mind, he remembered saying no, then he hit the wire. In a heartbeat they were surrounded by backslaps, handshakes and applause, and there in the crowd was her face smiling bravely, telling him she hadn’t worried for a moment but the haunted, terrified look in her eyes told him something entirely different.
He saw too, the look when he flirted lightly with his RIO as she asked if things always happened when he was around. Then he excused himself from her presence, citing the ‘debriefing from hell’ as a reason to hurry along the corridor and leave her standing alone.
It broke his heart to put the barrier back up between them, it was unconscionably cruel after they had come so far but he just couldn’t do this to her. Better, he thought, not to let it go any farther. She deserved someone stable who would always be there for her. Once again he mentally kicked himself for the part he had played, however inadvertently, in the failure of her past relationships. Even if they hadn’t been great passions they were at least solid and reliable. Something he doubted he could ever be.
Given the current state of the world, unless he resigned his commission, he would surely be called upon to fly again. After all, the Navy needed qualified pilots; they didn’t allow him to keep his flight status solely for his own ego and amusement. But every time he climbed into a Tomcat trouble seemed to find him. He loved her too much to allow her to live with that fear.
He managed to avoid any private moments with her the rest of the day, spending most of his time in the pilots lounge indulging in the ‘unofficial debriefing’ they traditionally held after a mission, especially one that generated as much excitement as this one.
They returned to JAG the next day and the flight home left them little time for personal interaction. She had asked him what was wrong a couple of times but he brushed her off with some vague comment or another. He knew eventually he might have to face the issue with her but he thought if he held himself aside long enough perhaps she would quietly let go and turn away. It was a thought he hated with his entire being but one he knew he could do nothing to change. It had to be this way.
Part 2
JAG HQ
After two weeks back at JAG he had managed to avoid any more personal contact with her. They handled any jointly assigned cases at the office without their customary working dinners.
He knew he could avoid the issue no longer when she opened the door of his office. He was deep in a pile of paperwork but without looking up he felt her presence. Besides the scent of her perfume, the very air of a room changed when she entered; it was a magnetic force that never failed to make the skin tingle on the back of his neck.
“Harm?” she ventured.
“Yes Mac,” he tried valiantly to keep his voice neutral. To keep out of his eyes what was in his heart.
“Please tell me what’s wrong. Did I do something to make you angry?”
“Of course not. What makes you think that?” he countered.
“Well for one you aren’t talking to me,” she said with slight exasperation.
“We talk all the time.” He was trying to keep it calm and reasonable.
“About cases yes, but not about anything else.”
“Mac it’s been crazy here the last few weeks you know that, and now with Bud gone it’s even worse.”
“That’s just the point. I feel like I’m suddenly working with a stranger,” she said in desperation.
“I’m sorry you feel that way Mac, but I don’t see your point. We work together fine. We’ve handled several cases together since we returned.”
“But not the same way as before….” She stopped suddenly and he held his breath waiting for her next words. They surprised him. “That’s it. The mission on the carrier. You’ve been different ever since you landed.”
“Mac I think you’re exaggerating. I’m not different. I don’t expect to fly like that any more. It just happened.”
“No it was something else; after you landed you went off with the other pilots. I expected that. It’s something you have always done—a tradition or something. I really didn’t want to intrude on that, I know about the camaraderie of combatants after a mission. It didn’t matter that you didn’t ask me to join you. I wouldn’t have understood half of what you were talking about, but I was so different, so not one of you, that you couldn’t even come tell me about it later. You couldn’t relate to me. This is what happened when you transferred back to flying isn’t it? The separation from anything that relates to the side of you that doesn’t fly.” She rose and turned to go, unshed tears in her eyes.
“Mac it wasn’t like that.” Why was he pleading, this was what she needed, a reason to break away; but it was so damn hard.
“Wasn’t it Harm? Please tell me how I have this wrong. You’re always so good at telling me how I have misunderstood you. Please explain this one to me.” She turned back and her eyes were like stone, the unshed tears gone. He would never know how she had done that.
His eyes slid from her face. “I can't,” was all he could say. He heard the latch as she closed the door behind her.
He was immediately out of his chair, his first instinct to go after her, but when he reached the door he forced himself to stop. He fastened the lock, closed the blind and turned to the window. It would not do for someone to walk in and find him with tears spilling down his cheeks.
Part 3
Two days later
“The Admiral wants to see you, sir,” Tiner announced urgently.
“I’ll be right there, thank you Tiner.”
“Uh, sir he said immediately.” Tiner always hated it when he had to prod a senior officer.
Harm rose, puzzled. He didn’t think he had done anything particularly irksome this week.
Before he could come to complete attention and offer ‘Commander Rabb reporting as ordered, sir,’ the Admiral was in his face waving two large files.
“Commander, would you like to explain this to me.” His anger was evident.
“Sir?” Harm was momentarily puzzled.
“I have just discovered Lieutenant Sims duplicating this file for you. Over one hundred pages! Under direct questioning she told me she had duplicated every file you and the Colonel have worked on for weeks. I want an explanation.” The Admiral getting involved in this was something Rabb hadn’t counted on.
“Yes, sir. It’s that, well, it's easier if we both have copies, then we can work at home and bring our ideas to our meeting here at work.” It sounded logical, reasonable and professional. At least it sounded that way to Rabb.
“Do you have a problem working with the Colonel that I’m not aware of Commander?” It apparently didn’t sound that way to the Admiral.
“No, sir.” This is where it hits the fan.
“Then why, all of a sudden, after almost seven years do you suddenly need duplicate files so you can work on them separately? It’s a waste of paper, a waste of Lt Sims' time and a waste of your and the Colonel's time. It’s my understanding that in the past you have used working dinners or met after hours when your cases needed extra time.” Now the Admiral's voice showed equal parts of anger and exasperation.
“Yes, sir,” Harm acknowledged.
“But that’s not happening now?”
“No, sir.” He could think of little to add.
“Care to enlighten me as to why.”
“No special reason, sir.” Harm was backed into a corner of his own making and never saw it coming.
“And you don’t feel it's possible to return to this custom.”
“No sir, that is, unless it’s an order, sir.”
“Watch it Commander,” Chegwidden warned. “Of course it's not an order. I just wanted to know why two of my most efficient officers suddenly decided to take an inefficient turn in their working relationship.”
“No particular reason, sir.” Harm was mentally squirming now. There was just no way he could explain the convolutions of this situation to the Admiral.
“Fine then. As of now you will not be working with Colonel MacKenzie any more. All your joint cases will be transferred to Lieutenant Singer. Perhaps you can establish a more efficient working relationship with her. She needs the experience of working more complex cases and I need the Colonel for another project. Dismissed.”
“But, sir,” Harm started. Boy, he couldn’t have screwed this up worse if he really tried.
“I said dismissed Commander.” Chegwidden was totally out of patience.
“Aye Aye, Sir.” Rabb spun on his heels and left the office. Wonderful, just wonderful. He not only lost Mac, no he had to be honest here, he threw her away, and now he was probably permanently stuck with Singer. Could life get any worse? He didn’t consider the fact that the answer to that question was a resounding yes.
Part 4
1330 the following day
JAG HQ
“Look sir,” Harriet called as he walked towards his office. Several members of the staff were gathered around the bank of TVs tuned to cable news. Lt Col Sarah MacKenzie was answering press questions flanked by a young female petty officer and a disturbingly good-looking male Marine Colonel. “It’s the Colonel, sir,” she added unnecessarily, “her case in Key West has made national news. She’s doing really well sir; she sure is holding her own with those reporters. Isn’t this great?” Her giggles would have been infectious if Harm weren’t so depressed.
Harriet’s bubbling enthusiasm made him miss part of what Mac was saying; but the essence was that she wasn’t making any comment until her investigation was complete and that there was no expectation on her part that she could not discover all the facts and effect a completely fair, just, and impartial conclusion. She thanked the office staff in advance, represented by the petty officer, and the NCIS investigators, represented by the Colonel standing nearby. Damn! So that’s where the Admiral sent her. Harm didn’t think he liked the way the Colonel was looking at Sarah one bit.
‘Now stop that,’ he chided himself, ‘you’re the one who thought she should move on. You can’t complain if she does.’
‘Yes, but,’ his other side argued, ‘she didn’t have to do it so fast.’
‘Hey you don’t know she’s even given this guy the time of day,’ his second voice countered.
‘I know, but she will; he’s a predator. I can tell,’ his first voice argued.
‘Oh yeah, because you’ve been there, done that right? Only you never had the nerve with Mac. Face it flyboy, no matter the reason, you’ve lost. Even if you changed your mind she wouldn’t give you another chance, nor should she. You’re a dope.”
‘OK, OK,’ the first voice countered, ‘can I get some work done now that we’ve sorted this out?’
‘I don’t know, have we sorted it out?’ God he hated it when he started talking to himself.
“Well then maybe you should talk to someone with more sense.” The thought crashed into him.
‘Oh yeah like who?’
‘Sturgis maybe.’
‘Oh no, no way, I’m not doing that. Only women get together and talk about their feelings. It's not a guy thing to do.’
He forced the little voices to stop for now by putting his mental foot down. He made himself call Singer to the conference room for a meeting on their joint cases. Oh, this was going to be fun!
After the lengthy meeting with Singer he seriously considered throwing himself at Mac's feet and begging her forgiveness. He knew this wasn’t Mac’s idea; she would never seek revenge. This was purely the Admiral's way of expressing his displeasure. Still the thought stayed attractive to him until he arrived home and removed his uniform. The sight of his wings slammed him back to reality. His reality. He stayed there until Mac returned almost three weeks later.
The following week the Admiral sent Sturgis to Florida to defend the Commander, who had been C.O. of the base JAG office, on the charges Mac filed against him. The Commander had been increasing his retirement fund by accepting gifts in exchange for his discretion regarding the availability of evidence in certain cases.
Harm caught Mac’s press interview on TV once the Commander was convicted and sent to spend his retirement in Leavenworth. The Marine Colonel he had noticed near her in the first interview was still close by her side. Of course, that little voice in his head was quick to point out, the man had been a large part of the investigation and deserved his 15 seconds. Harm still didn’t like it. Nor did he like the sparkling smile she bestowed on him when she turned to give credit for the invaluable help of his team.
He liked it even less when Sturgis reported to work on Friday alone. Harm didn’t quite have the nerve to ask Sturgis why Mac wasn’t with him, but he knew if he listened hard enough someone would. Sure enough within five minutes Harriet piped up and asked where the Colonel was. Harms heart sank when Sturgis replied she was still in Florida enjoying a long four-day weekend. The Admiral had granted her request for the time off in appreciation for her hard work on the case and especially the job she did keeping a press lid on it.
Harm knew without a doubt that if he hadn’t acted like a complete fool he would have been the one sent to Florida with Mac and would now be enjoying that long weekend with her. Instead he had a serious suspicion just who her companion might be. Visions of Mac on a beach in a blue bikini haunted him all weekend.
Part 5
Tuesday 0800
Harm walked into the bullpen and was instantly struck by the image of Mac, standing across the room, talking animatedly to Harriet. She looked tanned, rested, and beautiful. And she was wearing that breathtaking smile, the one she hadn’t given him for weeks, not since the carrier incident. When she looked up and saw him her smiled dimmed considerably. It was no consolation that he knew he deserved it. He walked slowly forward and extended his hand.
“Congratulations, Colonel. I understand your work in Florida was nothing short of brilliant. Not in the least unexpected though,” Harm offered formally.
“Thank you, Commander. I appreciate your interest in the case. It wasn’t pleasant but it definitely needed to be done,” she answered just as formally. There was something he couldn’t identify in her eyes. For just the tiniest fraction of a second too long they held the handshake. Then, just as quickly, they both let go as if they had been burned.
“Well,” he smiled lamely, “I guess I’d better get to work. I have a meeting with Lt. Singer in an hour and there is staff call in fifteen minutes. See you later.” He cursed his voice for almost failing him in front of her. It was all he could do to restrain himself from saying something, anything more personal just to see…..but no, that would be no good; he had already made his decision and it was for a good reason. He had to let her go, no matter if it killed him to do so. He turned to his office and she continued her conversation with Harriet. He missed the sad expression that crossed her face as her eyes followed him.
At the morning staff meeting the Admiral once again assigned him a case working with Mac. The Admiral's arched look in his direction gave strong indication he wanted no nonsense. Harm would have to try to reestablish their old working habits without falling into the underlying personal feelings that had always threatened just below the surface. If the way she looked at him now was any indication that should not be a problem.
Later
As Harm returned from lunch he noticed Mac talking to someone in the doorway of her office. He hesitated nearby, curiosity and something deeper holding him until Mac called him over.
“Harm, I’d like you to meet Colonel Robert Cameron. I worked with him on the case in Florida. Bob this is Commander Harmon Rabb.”
Harm extended his hand, as did the Colonel in a typical alpha male handshake that included the proper verbal greeting. Harm didn’t at all like the way this guy smiled at her. He was good looking in a short sort of way but something about him reminded Harm of Mic.
“Bob is transferring to the NCIS office here in DC, Harm. Our case did some good things for his career.” She smiled at the Colonel. The personal phrasing of her last sentence twisted Harm's gut.
“Well congratulations; it’s always nice to have a case give you a career boost.” Harm said in a very controlled and studied tone smiling neutrally. “Did you have another case involving JAG?” he continued, his question implied he was asking what the Colonel was doing here in the office.
The implication wasn’t lost on Bob Cameron, but Mac looked puzzled at Harm's almost deliberate rudeness.
“No, as a matter of fact I thought I’d stop by and ask Sarah here to dinner. Since I’m going to be living in D.C. I thought it would be nice to have a friend who could show me the sights.” He took half a step closer to her. “You aren’t busy tonight are you?” His manner was quite a bit more possessive than it had a right to be.
“Uh…. I’m not sure,” she replied uncertainly. “Um, Harm didn’t we have to review that case?” Her eyes were almost pleading but Harm knew he had to let it go.
“No Colonel, not tonight, I have other plans; maybe tomorrow OK?” His smile was false and his voice had an unnatural tremor. He turned to his office throwing over his shoulder “Have a good time.”
He missed both the look of resignation on Macs face as well as the one of complete triumph on Cameron’s. Robert Cameron had read the byplay and decided in his own overactive imagination that he had just backed the notorious Harmon Rabb down.
Part 6
That evening
Harm's apartment
Harm and Sturgis raced down the sidewalk from the park where they had played their impromptu one-on-one basketball game. What started as a sprint for Harm's place to avoid a threatening rain shower had escalated into a boyish display of testosterone. They rounded the corner of his building and hit the outer door at the same time. Neither willing to give up now, they scrambled up the stairs tumbling in a heap on the landing outside Harm's door. They sat there laughing at their own foolishness for several minutes grateful none of their friends or colleagues had witnessed this juvenile contest by two grown men who should have known better. Rising, Harm unlocked the door and another small tussle ensued as they shouldered each other through the doorway. Sturgis threw himself on the couch and tuned in the basketball playoffs while Harm fetched beers from the refrigerator and ordered pizza.
They watched the game alternately cheering and cursing in a typical male bonding session. Harm found it increasingly difficult to concentrate; his mind kept wandering to Mac and her date with the overbearing Colonel. This was becoming a lot more difficult than he had anticipated.
As the evening wore on Sturgis noticed his friends' growing distraction. When the game ended he decided to jump in and stir something he really thought needed to be addressed.
Starting slowly he opened with, “OK Harm where’s your head tonight? You aren’t with me here buddy.”
“What do you mean Sturg? I’m fine,” but Harm couldn’t meet his friends eyes. His voice was distant and unconvincing. He had a bad feeling about what Sturgis Turner was about to do and he didn’t want to go there.
“C’mon Harm, this is Sturgis you’re talking to, your mind has been somewhere else for at least an hour.” Sturgis was nothing if not persistent.
“You’re exaggerating.” Harm tried to brush him off.
“OK, name one player who scored in the last quarter, no I’ll make it easier, name one player who played in the last quarter,” Sturgis challenged.
“Sturgis, I’m not going to play stupid guessing games.” Harm was getting impatient.
“You can’t can you,” Sturgis stated flatly, yet with gentleness. It wasn’t a question. “It’s Mac isn’t it? I saw the look on your face when you watched her with the Colonel this afternoon.”
“Not so, I wasn’t watching her,” he protested defensively, “and I have no say in who Mac sees.”
“Maybe that’s the problem,” Sturgis replied quietly.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Harm's voice took on an edge. He jumped up and started moving around the room, “You know what it means. Harm, why can’t you just admit you love that woman so you can both quit being miserable. I sure don’t want to go through what I heard happened in the office when she was engaged to Brumby.”
“That won’t happen this time Sturgis,” Harm answered quietly, the pain evident in his voice, “I’m not fighting it anymore.” He ran one hand up and down the back of his head.
“Why not?” Sturgis demanded. This man's obtuseness could make a preacher swear. “It’s obvious you’re crazy about her, and she about you, now what’s the problem? We are not at the office now, Harm. This is just between friends and frankly I don’t understand why you insist on making both of you miserable. You know it will kill you to see her with another man and it’s very clear she doesn’t want to be with anyone else. Good grief man, didn’t you see her face when he asked her out, she practically begged you to intercede?”
“What are you talking about Sturgis? It looked to me like she was happier with his company than with mine. After all, she just spent a long weekend with him in Florida.”
“Harm you are seven kinds of a fool if you believe that. You want to know what I saw down there? She was spending half her time holding him off. When the trial was over she was gone and left no forwarding address for the weekend. That man came looking for her later but only the Admiral knew where she went. And, if she’s unhappy with you, it’s because she can’t figure out why you’ve turned away from her. Something the rest of the office can’t figure out either, I might add. The commonly held belief is that you have simply lost your mind.” He finished, his voice having risen considerably in total exasperation.
Harm lifted his hands aimlessly and let them fall again in utter defeat. “Don’t you see, doesn’t anyone see? It’s just too easy for me to be called upon to fly again and maybe never come back. Then what would she have. Nothing. I can’t do that to her. I can’t leave her alone with nothing, with no future.”
“Oh really! And what are you leaving her with now?” Sturgis spoke in complete astonishment.
“What… What do you mean?” something hit Harm midsection. He wasn’t sure what but it left him almost breathless.
“Think about it Harm, what does she have now except the heartbreak of the man she really loves turning away from her and she doesn’t even know why. What is she supposed to think? Knowing Mac as we do she’s probably blaming herself for not being good enough for you.”
Harm remembered his only conversation with Mac as the thought slammed into him like jet wash. “Not good enough, she’s too good for me,” his voice roared thunderously. “I’m not stable, I’m not reliable, my head is totally screwed up, I might disappear at any time. She would have nothing, I told you that already.”
“Yes you did, but she has nothing now, at least nothing she really wants. Even if you only had one day you would at least have that.” Sturgis rose picked up his keys and walked to the door. “And what happens if you don’t die Harm what do either of you have then?”
Harm just stood there with his mouth open, all the blood had left his face. A cold chill settled over him at the thought of what he had done. Sturgis’ words echoed over and over in his head ‘what happens if you don’t die,’ to have to live without each other, God how would he ever undo this. How would he ever pull this one out?
He had to call her. He had to do it now. It was only 2045; they’d still be at dinner wouldn’t they? Harm prayed hard. He didn’t know what he would say but he had to get to her before…..before what? Harm knew what. He suddenly was frantic at the idea of that man laying so much as a finger on his Sarah. The realization flooded him that everything he believed about them was just a product of his jealous imagination. She didn’t want this at all; he had pushed her away again.
As he reached desperately for the phone it rang.
‘Not now,’ he thought, ‘oh please not now’.