Author Notes: Ordinarily, I'm not overly fond of songfics, but since Harm's been using music to work through his feelings lately, it somehow seemed appropriate. The lyrics are from Neil Diamond's "I Am, I Said."
Feedback is always welcome at aerm1@aol.com
Mac stood poised outside Harm's partially open door, her hand raised to knock; but the mournful sounds coming from his guitar and his soul gave her pause. She couldn't quite place the song, but it struck a chord within her and brought a lump to her throat.
"...But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back
Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more
I am, I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still
Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one
But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone"
As she heard the guitar riff that signaled the start of the refrain, she rapped on the door frame. The music stopped at the sound of her knock. Ten seconds later, the door opened and she was staring into the troubled eyes of her former partner.
"Hi, Harm. I'm glad I caught you in."
His head jerked back slightly, then he said, "Haven't we already had this conversation?"
"Not really. Can I come in?" She hitched her purse up on her shoulder and prepared to push her way in if necessary.
He shook his head as if to clear it. "Sure. C'mon in." He pulled the door more fully open and stood back to let her enter his apartment. Harm followed her back to the sitting area, hugging his guitar to his chest. He waited until she had chosen a seat on the couch, then sat down in the chair opposite.
"How long have you been doing that?" she asked.
Harm looked around the room, confused by the question. Noticing her eyes resting on his guitar, he said, "Playing guitar? Since junior high school."
"No, not playing it. Using it as a shield."
He frowned. "What the heck are you talking about?" As he spoke, he unconsciously shifted the guitar so that it covered as much of his torso as possible.
"What you're doing right now. You're holding that thing in front of you like a shield."
"I was playing it before you arrived."
"Yeah, and you used to set it down when interrupted. But for the past six months, every time I've been in here, you've held that thing between us." She cocked her head to the side and pursed her lips. "Of course, perhaps it's only with me."
Harm closed his eyes briefly. She was right. He was using his guitar as some sort of protective gear around her. And only around her. "Like so many other things, Mac. Only with you." He strummed the melody of the song he'd been playing before her arrival. "Why are you here? Do you need more help with the Imes mess?"
"I understand the admiral asked you to come back."
"So are you here so I can thank you for that?"
She snorted. "Not hardly. Not that I didn't try. No, you can thank Coates. She's the one who finally got through to him."
"Good. I'll send her a note." He picked out some more notes on the guitar.
"So when do you start back?" The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile.
"Don't know. I haven't made a decision yet."
"Harm, what's to decide?" Her eyes widened at his words.
"Mac, I don't know if I want to go back." The shutters went back up on his face, closing her out.
"Why wouldn't you want to go back? I could see how much you missed it when you testified this morning. The Navy and JAG are your home."
And that is precisely the problem, he thought. Crop dusting is okay, but it's not home. JAG is home, but it's not mine no more. Neil Diamond certainly knew what he was talking about. He took a breath. "Did you ever read anything by Thomas Wolfe?"
"Who?"
"I'll take that as a no. He was a writer in the 1920's and '30's. Wrote a novel called 'You Can't Go Home Again.'"
"And your point?"
"He wrote an earlier novel in which he apparently offended people in his hometown. When he tried to go home to live, he was met with hostility and anger and ultimately wound up leaving again."
"What makes you think that will happen to you?"
"What makes you think it won't?"
"Do you always have to answer a question with another question?"
"No, I guess not. Look, Mac, four years ago, I left to pursue a dream. While I was gone, life went on without me. I came back to a very chilly atmosphere. I'm not sure that things ever got back to the way they were before I left." He shifted the guitar on his lap. "Trust me; it will be worse this time. I'm not sure that I'm emotionally up to the challenge again."
"Well, if you hadn't deserted all your friends for the past five months, you wouldn't be in this position."
Harm rolled his eyes. "That's rich, Mac. I deserted my friends? What friends?"
"Me, Bud, Sturgis. You didn't contact anyone or return any calls the whole time you were in the CIA."
"Jeez, Mac. I told you last week. I was out of town almost all the time, and when I wasn't, I was trying to move on with my life."
"I guess that's what no one understands, Harm. Why? Your problem was with the admiral, not your friends."
"Mac, I didn't desert anyone. You guys deserted me in April. I was just going with the flow."
"What happened in April?"
"I rest my case, Counselor." He strummed a few chords. "You finished?"
"No. Oh yeah. April. Your trial." Her eyes grew wide. "You think we deserted you?"
"No, I know you deserted me. I didn't get a single visit, a single phone call, nothing. Not one of you did a damn thing to help prove my innocence. And when I finally was exonerated, you couldn't even bother to let me tell you that no, I wasn't okay, before you changed the subject."
"We were under orders, Harm."
"Yeah. So I heard." His disappointment was palpable.
"Which if the roles had been reversed, you wouldn't have obeyed." She started to reach out a hand to him, but pulled it back. "I'm sorry, Harm. I don't know why we didn't do more."
"It doesn't matter anymore, Mac."
"But it does, because it's keeping you from coming back to JAG."
"No, April isn't what's holding me back." He sucked in his lower lip.
"Paraguay?" She grimaced as she pronounced the word.
"Yeah. How can you and I work in the same office after that?"
"We worked with Singer." Her attempt at humor fell flat.
Harm frowned. "That's totally different, and you know it." He set the guitar down on the floor beside his chair and leaned forward. "Mac, you were once the best friend I'd ever had."
"Me too. So where is the problem? We've had bumps in the road before and gotten past them."
"This bump is too big to get past, at least for me." He pinched the bridge of his nose.
"That makes no sense to me, Harm."
"It doesn't have to, Mac. It makes sense to me, and that is all that matters."
"Why did you come to Paraguay?"
"Because I wanted a mid-life career change." He shook his head. She still didn't get it.
"You said you wanted operating instructions. Let me give you one. Speak English. Precise English. No riddles or vague statements that require me to read your mind." She paused a minute, allowing her words to sink in. "Now, let's try again. Why did you resign your commission and go to Paraguay?"
Harm rose and walked to the window, staring out into the night. "Because I was afraid you were going to die. I kept having nightmares in which you were killed. I'd wake up, drenched in sweat, knowing you were lost to me forever." A bitter laugh came from his lips. "The irony is it didn't even matter. The result was the same anyway."
"You lost me."
"Yeah, I know." He tried to keep the bitter tone from his voice but failed. "Look, Mac, I don't regret saving your life. I could never do that. But you were right; my job was all I had. I just didn't realize it until we stood beside the taxi, and you stabbed me in the heart. So perhaps you can now understand why I haven't jumped at the chance to go back to JAG. Somewhere else in the Navy, perhaps, I could handle. But I'm not sure I can manage the one offer I've got."
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Harm. I was trying to let you off the hook."
"Who said I wanted to be off the hook?"
"But you said you wanted to table the discussion about 'us.'"
He looked pained. "Yeah, I did. Neither one of us was in any shape to be discussing our relationship or lack thereof at that moment. We still had a mission to accomplish, and we'd both been through hell over the past few weeks. I didn't say never. You're the one who said that."
"You're right. I did. But just because I said it doesn't mean I really meant it."
Harm's head snapped up. "You didn't?"
"Of course not. Look, Harm, you were right. We were both in bad shape and said things that we didn't mean." She licked her lips. "And I neglected to say something, didn't I?"
He gazed at her in silence, then returned to sit down in the chair again. He looked at his hands dangling between his knees.
"I never thanked you for saving my life, did I?"
"No." His voice was flat.
"Is that why you've been so brusque and unfriendly since then?"
Harm shook his head in denial. "If I've been brusque, it's because I've been so damn uncomfortable around you and everyone else."
"Why on earth would you feel uncomfortable?"
"Because I don't belong there anymore. And I don't know where I stand with anyone. Well, except with the admiral and apparently Coates."
"If you know where you stand with the admiral, then you're a step ahead of the rest of us."
She gave him a mischievous grin. "Sturgis and I have developed a new appreciation for how much heat you used to take for the rest of us."
Harm's only response was a pair of raised eyebrows.
"And I still haven't thanked you for saving my life." She bit her lower lip. "Harm, I think you're right. You deserve better friends."
"Mac..."
"No. You do. I've been a pretty poor friend lately. But I can change that. First, thank you for saving me. I wish the admiral would have let you go, though. Second, I'm sorry for being so nasty at the time. And third, thank you for you help with the Imes case."
"You're welcome. I don't think I understand why you're thanking me about Carolyn's case, though. I imagine my testimony shot your case right out of the water."
She shrugged. "At least she didn't get any brig time. And you were a tremendous help with the case reviews the other day."
He snorted. "Is that all that anyone cares about? Headquarters is shorthanded and understaffed, so call Harm? Maybe he's desperate enough along about now that we can convince him to come back and pick up the slack?"
Mac was taken aback. "Of course not. I mean, that may be part of it, but most of it is that since you've been gone, the place has seemed like another level of Dante's Inferno."
"Because you guys have finally found out what it's like to be in the admiral's gunsights?"
"Maybe a little. But mostly because we've all realized just how responsible your presence was for making JAG the family it was. And without you, it's become a very dysfunctional family."
"Right. You're forgetting--I'm not a team player. The admiral reminded me of that when we talked this afternoon."
"Well, he's wrong. If you weren't a team player, you wouldn't have gone over those cases for me. And you wouldn't have given up everything and risked your life to rescue me. I think he's just trying to save face."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence." He smiled at her for the first time in six months.
"So will you come back? Please? I'll buy you a salad. I won't even suggest Beltway Burgers for at least a month."
Harm chuckled. "You do know how to tempt a guy, Marine. It might almost be worth the crap I know the admiral is going to give me just to see you doing without those things for that long."
"Look, Harm. I want you to come back. I miss you, not because Sturgis and I are now in the admiral's sights, but because nothing feels right without you there. So what do you say? You come back, and as for our relationship, whatever it is or may someday be, we see where things go?"
"Do I get the instruction manual?"
"Do I get plain English?"
"Do you ever answer a question without another question?"
"Are we going to do this all night, or are you going to stop?"
"Do you even remember which one of us is talking?" Harm couldn't stop himself. He burst out laughing for the first time in months. "Tell you what, Mac. You admit that you are the only one of us who wants to be on top all the time, and I'll go back to JAG."
"You got it, Flyboy. I'm the one who wants to be on top and always wants the last word. Happy now?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I think I am. I'll call the admiral in the morning."