Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or JAG. That is the domain of CBS, Paramount and TPTB. I just like to play with them now and then. I promise to put them back in one piece when I am finished.
Author Notes: This is an independent JAG piece, a reaction to the end of last Friday's episode. It is totally unrelated to my other two series – FOR WHICH WE ARE TRULY THANKFUL and THERE IS HOPE/A PARTY FOR MATTIE. I hope y'all enjoy this. I had fun writing it, but now it is done.
Part One
Later, AJ Chegwidden wondered how he ever got where he did from his place in MacLean in one piece. He had very little memory of the drive except snatches of horn's blaring at his driving, accidents barely avoided and, twice, headlights in his face when he'd drifted across the median on a stretch of two way.
He remembered stopping somewhere on a snow covered beach; staring out into the dark, cold, crashing waves…wondering how far out he might swim before exhaustion would take its toll and take him and the pain away. He'd shook off such thoughts in a blink. He was hurt. God, yes, he was and confused and in pain, but that? Coward's way out. He'd never do that to his SEAL badge or those who knew him and cared. He'd not even want to leave that for Meredith to deal with. So he'd gotten back on the road and headed to Falls Church. When he pulled up across from the Marine check in point he realized that wasn't what he wanted either. Records of him showing up late night, questions it might raise…so back to aimless driving.
Meredith. Oh, god. Meredith. He firmly reined in thoughts of her and what he had seen. Not now. Not yet. Hmm. Where in the hell was he? He'd parked somewhere. He glanced around. The surroundings were familiar, but it was taking a moment to place them. When the red 'Vette passed through his still on headlights and pulled up to park and Rabb emerged, noting his parked presence with a concerned frown and leaving his car to cross over to the Admiral's driver side door, Chegwidden felt only consternation. Why had he come here? He was parked outside 'Commander Dad's apartment building.
Harm rapped at his window, focusing his attention in on this reality. Too late to think or wonder why…he hit the button and lowered his window.
Not giving the former SEAL a chance to speak, Rabb asked. "Are you okay, Admiral?"
AJ sighed. "We are off duty, outside your home, Rabb. AJ, call me AJ."
The younger man's lips curled in a slight grin, but the concern lingered in his eyes. "All right, sir…AJ – are you okay? Because, no offense, but you look like some one ran over your dog." The thought clearly troubled him. "Wait a minute. Nobody did?"
Chegwidden chuckled at that. "No, Harm. Dog's fine. I've had a bit of a shock. Look, don't take THIS wrong, but; until you pulled up just now, I didn't even know where I was."
Understanding flooded Harm's features. "Oh," he said softly, "auto pilot, huh?"
That brought a rueful smile to AJ's lips at the turn of expression, before the chuckle had quite died away from the last remark. Maybe coming here was going to be a good thing. He admitted aloud. "Something like that." He was ready to dismiss it and leave if the younger man appeared reluctant, but Harm didn't give him a chance, hurrying to ask.
"Have you eaten yet, sir?"
Now that wasn't what he'd expected to hear next. "I don't think I'm very hungry." AJ tried to ease out of the offer he now knew was coming, but Rabb was having none of that.
"Auto pilot arrival or not, sir – no sailor leaves this port, this ship, on an empty belly. Come on, sir. Whatever has happened…let it lie until you gain some perspective. Come up and join us for lasagna." Harm had his hand out in invitation now, open palm extended in a gesture of welcome, and a plea in his eyes AJ thought meant 'You used to trust me once; trust me now.'
Harm, he thought privately, obviously I still do. I'm here. His stomach chose just that moment to growl loudly, causing both men to chuckle. "Who's we?" AJ asked as he surrendered; opening his SUV door, and hitting the button to close his window.
"Mattie, Coates and the Colonel are upstairs in my apartment keeping their eyes on the two lasagnas while they cook. I needed more fixings for the salad and stuff to make garlic bread, so I ran out to the store. Brownies are already done."
"Well, my stomach says 'thank you'."
"Sir, whatever has you down – the cure may just be up there. It's hard to stay really blue for long around the Von Trapp's place!"
Amused and a bit distracted at the reference, the Admiral asked. "What do I have to do 'sing for my supper', Herr Captain?"
Harm shook his head. "I think as Captain Von Trapp that would be my job, sir. Let me grab the grocery bags."
AJ moved quickly to take one. "Least I can do is help carry. I didn't bring anything. So, I thought Sturgis was our only submariner…" he teased, keeping up the Von Trapp references.
Harm grinned at the last. "Not tonight, evidently. As for you not bringing anything? No planning when on autopilot, AJ. I understand. Don't try it on a motorcycle to Blacksburg. More than one instant on that road that day, I could have died if it wasn't for my pilot survival instincts kicking in. That would have been a damn shame too, because I never would have known Mattie; let alone had her as my ward. I wouldn't have wanted to miss a moment of what has happened since I met her."
Chegwidden was surprised at the openness, but grateful for it. "Been there; done that?"
Harm smiled wryly. "Got the T-shirt and the scars to prove it…" he acknowledged. As they entered his building, he added softly. "Glad your auto pilot still has my coordinates on board, sir."
"Some things don't change no matter how stormy the seas we pass through." AJ acknowledged, hoping Harm would hear the meaning he meant to convey. The expression that came on his subordinate and friend's face made him fairly certain the message had been received and understood.
Harm took a deep breath and plunged forward. "Okay. Here are the house rules – dinner, Trivial Pursuit, and, if your ears can handle it, and, at Mattie's special request, a guitar version of Karaoke night, later. After the ladies' leave, if you want to linger, we could talk over a beer in the garage. No shop talk tonight – okay?"
AJ nodded, grateful for the leeway allowed and the offer of safe harbor extended. "Accepted. No rank, too. You going to explain the rules to Coates or shall I?"
"My house – my rules, my responsibility." Harm said firmly. "I'll add the caveat that the informality tonight stays here, too."
"Thanks, Harm."
The Commander smiled. "No problem, sir. With her rooming with Mattie for the time being, I seem to have taken on raising two teenagers!"
Truly grateful, Chegwidden went on. "On that, thanks again. It's nice to have all of her clothes finally out of the office!"
Harm laughed at that as they waited for the elevator. "Well, that had to stop. We were going to wind up with an interesting rep if it went on. When Admiral Morris asked me about it, I knew it was time to call a halt! Glad there was no regs conflict."
"She didn't feel under any pressure to accept and you really helped her out."
"I'll have to find a way to make sure she can afford the rent once Mattie and I find our house." Harm added thoughtfully.
This was a new Rabb…or was it really the old one back again? He was not just concerned about others; he was thinking way ahead and planning contingencies for all involved. He was a lot more mature in that than AJ might have guessed those months ago. "Maybe you should look for a place with an apartment over the garage…" He offered humorously. "Keep Coates out of trouble roommate wise." He was a little surprised to note that brought a serious consideration into Harm's eyes. Damn. He really was as serious about looking after Jen as he was Mattie. In a way, that wasn't surprising. It was the best of Harmon Rabb, Jr. It had always been there.
Harm led the way to the elevator, throwing over his shoulder. "Darn things working for a change. Good thing for Jen and Mattie moving in today. Can you smell it?"
"Mmmm. Lasagna smells good." The older man agreed. "Watch out Rabb, you'll have everyone in the building following their noses up there if you aren't careful."
"Mom brought this recipe back from a little town near Naples Italy her very first art buying trip to Europe, when I was just a kid. Tom Boone had leave, so he took care of me while she was gone." Harm smiled wistfully at the memory. "Guess an eight year old boy was more than he had reckoned on, coz he never offered to do THAT again; although he didn't seem to hate it at the time." The look on his face suggested a lot of pain lurked just beyond that fond memory.
"Boone was a continuing presence in your life after your dad went down?" For some reason, that surprised AJ.
"That pretty much ended before my ninth birthday." Harm admitted. "After that, there was only the occasional letter until I was flying in the Navy. We didn't get close again until after – well, the first …" he hesitated.
"Time you saved his ass, as Tom put it to me one time?" AJ guessed with a grin, trying to ease the pain he could feel in the way the younger man was holding himself.
Rabb smiled genuinely, relaxing from the tension that had overcome him. "Something like that, but the first few years after Dad went down? Yeah, Tom was there for me and Mom like I tried to be there for Josh and Annie." Again a flare of pain in those eyes, immediately tamped back down. Damn this young man had oceans of pain to draw from. Chegwidden realized he really had come to the right place for understanding and empathy.
As Harm entered the apartment, the ladies stifled shared giggling. There must still be some remnant of pain on AJ's face for concern flared in Mac's eyes at the sight of him.
"Admiral? Are you okay?" She said softly. Harm waved her concern aside with a motion, which Chegwidden had to admit he appreciated.
"Gee, Harm ~ you go out for a few groceries and bring back an admiral?" For some reason understood only to the females in the room, Mattie's remark triggered another spate of giggles.
'Von Trapp' looked helplessly at the admiral. "When we entered the door, sir? I lost all semblance of control on the evening's events." He acknowledged. He began taking things out of the bags as he explained the rules of the evening to Coates to Mac and Mattie's amused delight.
In an aside to Mattie, AJ offered. "Just consider me a stray Harm brought home."
"More like a fellow sailor in distress…" The young girl opined knowingly.
Damn. Perceptive little thing, he thought. Aloud he asked. "Are you psychic like Mac, Mattie…or do you just take after your 'old man' here in the sensitivity department?"
Mattie turned to the Marine. "You're psychic, Mac?"
Hah! Deflected your tracking sensors, didn't I? AJ thought triumphantly. He was amused at his train of thought. It had come to this. The SEAL felt triumph for turning a 15 year old on to his Chief of Staff instead of himself. He awaited Mac's response with interest.
"Well, I've had some experiences." Mac shrugged, trying to leave it.
"Dish." Mattie demanded more info.
"Another time, Mathilda." Harm took control back.
AJ turned to the host of the evening. "What can I do to help, Harm?"
Laying out the components on the counter by the sink, the younger officer proposed. "Are you up for salad assembly?"
"Absolutely." Shrugging out of his overcoat and uniform jacket, AJ rolled up his sleeves to get to work. Mattie took the coats to hand on the wall.
Harm handed Mac a grater and fresh Parmesan cheese with a serving dish and instructions to grate it for dinner. He took his uniform coat off too and gave it to Mattie. "Let's see. Jennifer, could you get the garlic bread ready to pop in the oven when the lasagna is down to fifteen minutes left to go? Mattie, please set the table."
He tossed Jennifer the loaf of Italian bread and the aluminum foil. The garlic spread was already prepared on the counter. It too smelled fresh and homemade.
He grinned. "Now I'll start the Spinach L'Rabb."
"Spinach?" Both Mattie and Coates groaned.
Harm gave them a quelling look. "Try it once before you whine. Didn't think I was going to let you meat eaters get off with out eating any vegetables, did ya? And, no, Mattie…the salad does not count!"
"He's a dad." Coates kidded Mattie.
She rolled her eyes in response. "Totally."
Harm looked so happy AJ was surprised his shirt buttons weren't all popped off from his chest swelling with pride and joy. It was a good sight to see.
Spinach L'Rabb turned out to be as big a hit as both lasagnas were. When the meat eaters finished their meat lasagna, they attacked the remainder of Rabb's three cheese lasagna, but everyone had multiple servings of the spinach until it was gone. The spinach was made by steaming the vegetable until tender and than lightly sautéing it in olive oil with lemon zest and fresh squeezed lemon juice and also included grated almonds. It had the most amazing flavor.
Dishes were washed, dried and put away quickly with so many helping hands and the stories Mattie told about her new school and classmates kept them all laughing.
After dinner, everyone got comfortable around the table to play Trivial Pursuit. AJ admitted he'd never played before. He was a bit surprised when Mac began filling him in on the rules until Harm explained she and Chloe had given him the game a couple of Christmases ago.
It was fun. AJ was almost sorry when he won so soon; but, hey, age and life experience had to count for something; once in awhile, they could be an advantage.
They moved to the couches and Mattie brought Harm his guitar. He checked its tuning, as AJ asked. "So, guitar karaoke, huh?"
"Instead of calling it a 'sing-a-long'." Mattie explained. "That's too 'girl scout' for me. And Harm plays great."
Harm rolled his eyes. "Mathilda Grace, stop." He declared. "My pick for first song." He began to strum and said. "For you, Mattie…"
He began to sing.
There's something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
And…" with a smile tossed AJ's way, "if I'm feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.
And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,
She's around me now
Just about all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,"
Did Rabb realize his eyes had gone to Mac on that last line? AJ wondered. Because the former Seal's eyes told him Mac had noticed as her lips trembled a bit in a wistful smile, but Harm's eyes immediately went back to Mattie's face, her whole attention fixed on him with rapt devotion.
"She's been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.
It isn't what she's got to say
But how she thinks and where she's been
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound
I like to hear them best that way
It doesn't much matter what they mean
If she says them mostly just to calm me down"
A rueful smile curled the singer's lip as he sang that last line and Mattie giggled, making Harm's smile grow into one that lit the room it was so bright. He sang on.
"And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,"
Confident enough of the words, his guests joined him on the chorus.
She's around me now
Just about all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,
She's been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine."
Not knowing the next verse, the others dropped out. AJ noticed a darkness come to the singers face; and, a lost look came to Harm's eyes. His breath caught. He recognized that look. Harm had had it when he had told him he'd been out of the Navy already for two days, when he tried to come back after Paraguay. When he had thrown the aside to Mac, at Mac's protest in his behalf to AJ, "He's finally decided I'm unchangeable, Mac. Just as you have." The words fit the dark reality he sang next.
"Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go."
Hope came back to Rabb's face. Damn the man was expressive. His eyes flitted from Mac to Mattie and back as he sang on.
"— She has the power to go where no one else can find me
And to silently remind me
Of the happiness and the good times that I know, got to know."
Everyone joined on the last chorus.
"And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,
She's around me now
Just about all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,
She's been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine." Harm finished with a bell-like two tone on the guitar strings.
"Nice song, Rabb. You write it?" The SEAL asked, thinking the words certainly sounded tailor made. He almost laughed when Harm replied.
"No, sir. It's by James Taylor."
Well, in a way, the song was tailor made, AJ thought to himself. "Oh, I like him, but I never heard that one before. Do you know, "Sweet Baby James"?"
"Sure. I've been teaching it to Bud, Harriet and AJ to sing little James to sleep by." Harm admitted.
AJ smiled at the mention of the Roberts family. Good, Harm was spending time with them again. The little family had missed him. "Tell you what. I'll sing that one with you. I love songs about cowboys."
Harm played an intro and the two men began to sing.
"There is a young cowboy he lives on the range
His horse and his cattle are his only companions
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons
Waiting for Summer, his pastures to change
And as the moon rises he sits by his fire
Thinking about women and glasses of beer
And closing his eyes as the doggies retire
He sings out a song which is soft but it's clear
As if maybe someone could hear
Goodnight you moonlight ladies
Rock-a-bye sweet baby James
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose
Won't you let me go down in my dreams
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James
Now the first of December was covered with snow
And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston
Lord, the Berkshires seemed dreamlike on account of that frosting
With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go
There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway
A song that they sing when they take to the sea
A song that they sing of their home in the sky
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep
But singing works just fine for me
Goodnight you moonlight ladies
Rock-a-bye sweet baby James
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose
Won't you let me go down in my dreams
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James"
Mac beamed at Harm. "So that's where they learned that. They didn't tell me when they sang it to him the last time I was there. It is so perfect. Jimmy loves it."
Mattie mentioned her mom had loved John Denver, so Harm and the others obliged with "Take Me Home Country Roads"; "Annie's Song" and "Back Home Again".
The night passed pleasantly with familiar songs sung in good company, but Harm didn't seem to sense he was being maneuvered when Mattie asked him to sing her favorite song from a movie, THE KARATE KID…the one by Peter Cetera. Caught like a rat in a maze, he sang the words with all emotions bare.
"Tonight it's very clear
Cause we're both lying here
There's so many things I want to say…"
His eyes unconsciously went to Mac's as he sang the next words soulfully.
"I will always love you
I will never leave you alone"
An instant's hesitation and he went on, eyes locked on Sarah's whose eyes were suddenly glistening with tears.
"Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't want to lose you
I could never make it alone
I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of
We'll live forever…"
Mac's voice suddenly joined his.
"Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love."
The other's joined in. Only AJ played audience, allowing himself to think 'God those words could have been written about these two. Will they ever get it right?' The song went on.
"You keep me standing tall
You help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone."
When the song was over, Mattie smiled and AJ thought to himself 'Rabb has his hands full. This kid picks up pretty on undercurrents pretty fast to manipulate him into singing that song to Mac.' To lighten things up, Chegwidden asked if Harm knew Jim Croce's Bad, Bad LeRoy Brown, which he did. The Commander ripped some pretty rocking sounds as they nailed that one down.
After that, Harm decided to go off on the Sound of Music theme, doing "Do Re Mi", "Raindrops on Roses" and a beautiful rendition of "Edelweiss".
Jennifer asked for a song. Harm frowned and said he didn't think that would be appropriate. Somehow AJ knew this was important, so he intervened, asking. "Do you know this song?"
Harm's eyes flicked uneasily to Mac's face. "Yes, sir…but"
"I'm not familiar with it." AJ admitted, adding. "I'd LIKE to hear it. What's the harm?"
Rabb rolled his eyes at the pun. Mattie joined in to plead. "Oh, please, Harm. Please. Please. Please."
Unable to resist his ward, the younger man gave in, grousing some. "It's a sentimental song. If I get all sloppy and emotional, and anybody gives me a hard time about it, they have to eat my meatless meatloaf for lunch for a MONTH." He focused his eyes on a spot in space like he did when AJ was dressing him down, evidently to avoid his eyes going to a certain Marine, but he could not keep himself from putting all his honest emotions into the words he sang. AJ had lied. He knew the song, but he could tell Mac was not familiar with it, at least not by title…
Harm sang as he played the guitar.
"Look into my eyes – you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart – search your soul
And when you find me there, you will search no more."
Inexorably, his eyes did go to Sarah as his voice achingly sang…
"Don't tell me it's not worthy trying for
You can't tell me it's not worth dying for
You know it's true
Everything I do – I do it for you."
Now two sets of eyes were locked on each other as he went on.
"Look into my heart – you will find
There's nothing there to hide
Take me as I am – take my life
I would give it all
I would sacrifice"
He looked down as he sang the chorus, gathering strength and composure to sing the next verse.
"Don't tell me it's not worthy trying for
You can't tell me it's not worth dying for
You know it's true
Everything I do – I do it for you."
As he started the next verse, his eyes rose again to Sarah's and the urgency he put in the words made Chegwidden's throat hurt.
"There's no love – like your love
and no other – could give more love
There's nowhere – unless you're there
All the time – all the way
Oh, you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it – there's nothing I want more
I would fight for you
I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you
Yea. I'd die for you
You know it's true.
Everything I do…I do it for you."
Harm sang the last words with his eyes closed, tears falling on his guitar. When he stopped playing, he lowered his head until his chin rested on the instrument, unable or unwilling to look up.
AJ wished the aviator/lawyer could have seen Mac's face. Webb? Ha! Sarah MacKenzie's face said she had finally, irreversibly heard what she needed to hear from a certain Navy Commander. The CIA man no longer had a snowball's chance in hell with this woman. It might take some time, but there would still be at least one JAG wedding in the not too distant future.
The phone rang. Harm rose quickly to answer it. So Rabb had been temporarily saved by the bell. "Rabb here? Mom?" He laughed. "Well, you did say you wanted grandkids, didn't you? It's a start. Mom, when have I ever done ANY thing the conventional way? Mattie, my Mom wants to talk to you." He held out the phone.
Mattie nearly fell over herself scrambling to grab the phone. "Hello, Mrs. Burnett. Well, what should I…I could? Really? Grandmother? Oh, you prefer Grandma. You sound too young to be a grandma. What? Well, I don't know. Harm, she says when can they meet me in person?"
Harm looked stern. "Don't even think you are getting out of school to go to California, Missy!" He took the phone and said. "Mom, look she's missed a half a year of school already… What? Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. Of course that would be okay. Yea, if you want. Let me know when you have the time. We'll pick you up. I'm glad you are glad, Mom. Yea. I love you too. Love to Frank. See you soon. I'll tell her that, Mom. Bye now." He hung up, explaining. "They are going to charter a Lear. They'll fly out tomorrow for a week, but you have to go to school every school day, kiddo."
"A Lear jet? What are they, rich?" Mattie asked.
Harm rolled his eyes. "Frank's pretty well set and Mom's an art dealer with a good deal of success, Mathilda. I told you that's why they've been in Europe."
"Yeah. Well, you didn't tell me they were loaded or nothin'." Mattie accused.
"Honey, it's Frank's money. Not mine." Rabb was obviously trying to keep the girl's imagination in check. AJ almost laughed aloud at his discomfort. His mom and stepdad were going to spoil the girl rotten over Harm's protests; the SEAL would lay good money on that.
Mac was quietly gathering up her things. "Harm, it's been wonderful, but I really have to head home."
Rabb's face fell at the announcement, but he nodded acceptance. "Yeah. He's probably trying to call you."
The Colonel walked up to him. "That's not why I'm going, flyboy. It's been a long day." She looked over at AJ meaningfully, clearly hinting it was time for boy talk. "I think the girls should head for home, too."
Mattie's eyes were shooting daggers at the Marine. "Unlike you, Colonel, we live right down the hall." To Harm, she begged. "Just a few more songs."
Harm held up his hand in answer. The tips of his fingers had deep grooves in them from holding down the strings. "Mattie, I haven't played this long straight in a long time. My fingers will start bleeding if I play much more."
The girl winced at the sight. "Oh…I'm sorry Harm. I didn't realize. Does it hurt?"
He smiled. "Don't worry, squirt. No permanent damage done. I just need to rest them now."
"Do you promise me we'll do this again? Soon?" She begged.
"I promise." He said, making a cross over his heart with his finger tip, which earned him a grin and a hug from his ward.
"I love you, Harm."
"I love you, too, Gracie."
Jennifer gave him a hug too. "Thanks for everything, Harm. This was really great." The ladies all said their goodbyes to the Admiral and each other and left.
Once they were gone, Harm looked at the Admiral. "I have to hit the head, sir. You staying for a while?"
"You promised me a beer and I mean to collect." AJ replied. "Head's mine when you are through."