Whiplash 2

March 30, 2004

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

Spoilers: Anything up to and including A Merry Little Christmas.

Author Notes: Many thanks to my tireless, anonymous beta readers. Feedback always welcome at aerm1@aol.com

0900
December 23, 2003
Falls Church, Virginia
JAG Headquarters

I can't believe what I did last night. I am, without a doubt, the most stupid woman in DC, maybe on the eastern seaboard. Harm handed me the perfect opportunity to undo all the damage to our friendship, and I threw it back in his face. I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him that there is no "us" and followed up by telling him that he didn't fight me when I told him we would never work as a couple. I should have known not to say that. Harm never fights for himself -- only for others. He'll fight to the death for a child or an underdog, but if he's the one on the line, he accepts his fate and walks away. Heck, he didn't fight the admiral either. He just stood there with his head slightly bowed and let the admiral rant. At the end of the tirade, Harm just said he'd pack up the rest of his belongings and be gone. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Ma'am?" Coates is standing in my doorway, consternation all over her face.

"Come in." She does, and I tell her to close the door. "What can I do for you?"

"Ma'am, is Commander Rabb all right?"

Now what? "I assume so." I haven't seen him today, but since his office is down the hall and around the corner in the old supply closet, our paths rarely cross.

"Permission to speak freely?"

I'm sure if I had any sense at all, I'd deny her request, but as further proof of my stupidity, I nod.

"Are you sure? Because he seems upset about something -- more so than he has since he's been back."

"I wouldn't know, then." I don't like lying; but I'm not about to tell Jennifer Coates that if Harm looks like someone killed his puppy, it's because I ran over it.

Coates is nothing if not persistent. "Ma'am, I'm really worried about the commander. He seems so unhappy."

"Well, Christmas is always a difficult time for him. His father..."

"Got shot down on Christmas Eve. I know that. But I first met him at Christmas, and he wasn't like this. Something is really wrong, Colonel. He hasn't really smiled in months -- not since before his trial, Ma'am." Her brow is wrinkled as she tries to put together whatever pieces of the puzzle that is Harmon Rabb, Jr. she has.

"I don't know what to tell you, Jen. He's probably just tired." Before I can open my mouth to add, "Dismissed," she's speaking again.

"I guess I thought that after he let you know how much he loves you, everything would be better between you." She stares at me, challenge in her eyes.

"We should not be discussing this, Petty Officer." Somehow, I can't help myself. "But you're mistaken. Commander Rabb definitely does not love me."

She almost reels, shock evident on her face. "Of course he does, Ma'am."

I smile a little. "Trust me; he has never even come close to it."

"With all due respect, Colonel, Commander Rabb is the kind of man for whom actions speak louder than words. And if resigning his commission and spending all that money to save you doesn't tell you how he feels, then I don't know what to say."

I've heard more than enough. "That will be all, Petty Officer."

"Aye, aye, Ma'am." She snaps to attention and returns to her desk, leaving me with something to ponder.

If Coates is right, and I've been noticing that she does have an uncanny ability to read people, then I may have totally misread the situation down in Paraguay. If I accept that for Harm actions speak louder than words, then he thinks he let me know he loved me by going to Paraguay. And the snide remarks didn't really mean much, because they were just words. I told him that I didn't have a thing for Clay, but he had seen me kiss the man. So faced with words that said one thing, and an action that showed the opposite, Harm believed what he saw instead of what he heard. And he definitely saw me hug Webb. So I guess it could be argued that Harm had a good circumstantial case that I was involved with Webb.

Of course, if he discounts words, why didn't he ignore the word never? Then again, Harm didn't ignore anything the admiral said either. Maybe he'd just run out of energy by then. I know he kind of looked like he was running on empty. I'd still like to know why even if he thought I meant never about a relationship that I also wanted to end our friendship. I mean, he's the one who never returned my calls. And gets testy if I just happen to mention a date with Webb. What did he say? "You moved on. I didn't think you'd be interested." Sheesh. What's wrong with that man?

"He's in love with you." A tiny voice in my head repeats what Jen said. If Harm really is in love with me but is convinced I'm involved with Webb, then he's going to back off. And since he apparently took the word "never" seriously, I suppose he's been trying to move on with his own life. But I think Coates is right. He doesn't look happy at all. So something is wrong. Perhaps getting guardianship of this child will help him find a little happiness at last. And maybe if he gets over being so bitter, then we'll at least be able to salvage what was once a beautiful friendship. I guess I need to talk to him. But at the moment, I really need to get some work done. I turn my attention back to the brief I was reading.

Five minutes later, I figure something out. Talking to Harm isn't going to solve anything right now. We'll just manage to go in circles and get angry and say things best left unsaid. No, I need to try things his way and show him that I'm still his friend. I push the intercom button. "Coates, I need to talk to you, ASAP."

Five minutes later, Coates is on a secret mission to find out when and where this custody hearing is being held. Twenty minutes later, I'm standing in the admiral's office requesting permission to take a half-day of leave to attend to a personal matter. He asks me if it's Harm's case and grins when I tell him it is. I don't even have to ask him to keep it quiet. I can tell from his expression that he's figured out what I'm doing.

"Do your best, Colonel," he orders as I leave his office. "It's about time something went his way."

I reply in the affirmative and go to compose my testimony. If I can help Harm get custody of this child, I will. Perhaps my actions will do something to take away the hurt from my words.

Christmas Eve
2100
Vietnam Memorial

Harm is exactly where I expected him to be, tracing the letters of his father's name, a bare finger running down the sharp edges of the cold, black marble. He looks so alone that my heart aches for him. His expression as he told Mattie good-bye at the chapel reminded me of the way he looked in Paraguay when I said "never." Once again, his hopes had been shattered, and he was left with nothing. As I watched him walk away, his shoulders slumped and his head bowed, I realized there was one last chance to get him what he wanted, and I was holding a trump card.

It didn't take very long to convince Mr. Johnson to let Harm have custody of Mattie until he got his life back together once I said the magic word "alcoholic." And while Harm may think there is nothing worse than a reformed addict, sometimes nothing else will do. The trickiest part of the deal was finding the judge's telephone number. I got the distinct feeling, however, that she was delighted to have the matter settled for her.

Thirty minutes after I rapped on the window of that pickup truck, Mattie and I were having an interesting conversation on the way to the Wall. I had been prepared to not like her -- I guess because part of me saw her as getting in the way of my ever getting back on track with Harm. But after getting to know her even just a little, I think she might be just what we both need. I have a funny feeling that Harm thinks she's me twenty years ago. I wish. Mattie's a lot smarter than I was at that age. He better not try to keep me out of their loop anymore. But I honestly think that Mattie will keep that from happening. She's already brought out things in him I've never seen before. He'd die of embarrassment if he knew I saw her take his hand, but that has to be the first time he's touched anyone like that in years. I wonder how Harm is going to react to the news that I did have to promise the judge that either Harriet or I would keep Mattie whenever he has to leave town. Oh well, he'll deal with it.

I tell Mattie to pick up the pace. Harm is turning away from the wall, a look of despair on his face.

"Harm. Hi." Her voice carries across the space between us.

He turns, disbelief on his features. "What are you doing here?"

"You're my guardian."

Harm looks like he can't believe his eyes or his ears. "How did this happen?"

"Mac talked my dad into giving up the custody fight. So I don't have to go to the foster home. I'm yours."

I fill him in on the deal I reached with Mattie's father. He's going to get treatment and work on taking command of his own life. Once he's sober and functioning, if Mattie wants to, they can try to rebuild their family life. But in the meantime, Harm's looking at homework and curfews, telephone and television time. I smile at the happiness on his face as Mattie wraps her arms around him. Harm stands there, unmoving, still in shock at the sudden turnaround.

"You can hug me. I won't break." Mattie sets him straight.

Tears sting my lids as I watch him return the hug, holding her in his strong arms, arms I wish were wrapped around me. But I lost that right six months ago when I opened my mouth. I turn to leave, but his voice stops me.

"Where're you going?" His eyes tell me that he wants to ask me to join them.

I take a deep breath, willing my voice to stay firm. "I have a date with Webb." The change in his expression tells me I've put another brick on that wall we've built between us, but what can I do? I can't lie to him, and I do have a date with Webb. "Merry Christmas, Harm."

He nods, a bit sadly, and tightens his hold on Mattie. At least he's not alone anymore. I turn again and walk down the path to my car.

As I slide into the driver's seat, I realize something. I don't want to be with Clay. I don't know that I really like him all that much. The things that have always bothered me about him: the secrecy, the deviousness, the occasional cold-bloodedness, they haven't changed. If anything, since he's got his job back at the CIA, he's gotten worse. If I'm honest with myself, I think I only started seeing him to have an in with the Agency if I ever got the sense that Harm was in trouble. And I've only kept seeing him since Harm got fired by the CIA because I didn't want to give either of them the satisfaction of thinking I broke things off with Clay because of Harm. But talking to Mattie tonight made me realize that I'm not in junior high school anymore. And although I told Harm he didn't fight me after I said we'd never work out, looking back over the past two years, I realize that I haven't exactly been fighting for us either.

My cell phone begins to ring. It's Harm, thanking me for fixing things with Mattie's dad and the judge. And now he's asking me if I have plans for tomorrow or will I have dinner with him and Mattie. Well, I do have plans, but I won't by the time tomorrow gets here. So I accept with the most pleasure I've felt in almost a year. As I cut the connection, I feel at peace for the first time since last Christmas. If I can help Harm fight for Mattie's guardianship, then I can sure help him fight for us.

I put the car in gear and head home. I've got clothes to change and a spook to drop.

The End.