I have moved
: Thursday, 26th Mar 2009, 12.55 am :: listening to ????-??? :
i just had a panic attack. nothing serious la. but it was so sudden i really felt like i wasn't myself. that was scary. i guess i've reached my limit. too many expectations, too much to keep up with, too many things, everything. i was in denial. i was in fact overwhelmed. i am unable to balance my guy n work n friennds. and myself. i neglected myself. my constant spoiling of myself was acherli not taking care of me. ironic right? but i didn't take care of myself. i just kept pushing myself to do all i wanted to do, kept myself busy, kept myself moving all the time, giving myself excuses that i'm always busy.
and then i snapped. this is how a panic attack is like. you get a stomachache a few hours before. you feel sick. you feel nausea. u feel your hands go numb. your body goes weak. actions go sluggish. you can't do what you normally have energy for. and when the final blow comes, you uncontrollably sob. you lose control of your body. you slump over your table (and wacom). you cry. you can't breathe. but still you cry. u can't do anything.
but it goes away after a while. strange.
acherli is that called a panic attack? i think it is. according to wiki it seems that way. i'm calmer now. dun worry. i needed it out of my system i suppose. haiz.
: Sunday, 22nd Mar 2009, 8.01 pm :: listening to :
the current fad - seeking the truth.
I noe, i noe i'm really gullible. i'm easily fooled. but i've been forced recently to think again about what i perceive to be the truth. television is really soft propaganda. all these years, i knew it. but i never really stopped, and questioned what i saw. what i'm told. now here's a website i'm watching now which suggests that certain things we assume to be true is actually just planted into our systems. take for example the 9/11 incident. ever since my brother brought up the conspiracy theory that it may have been an inside job, i have been fascinated at seeking what the theorists are coming up with. after watching this video i've been quite convinced that it is really not what the reports are saying. and the americans are just screwing us around.
After all, it's a widely known "rumour" that the 'war on terrorism' or the iraq war was not about the "WMD"s. It was, the oil. Guess what when i read wikipedia about Bush? his family owns OIL BUSINESSES. doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. -__-
the demolition theory is not the only theory. some documentaries are a bit less convincing, but the linked one is really. thorough with research and video evidence.
Basically it theorises that the twin towers were actually not burning as hot as the newsreport them to be. and the collapse is due to explosives, such that it was more of a demolition rather than it collapsing due to the strain of the plane crashing into it, and the resulting fires. the engineers who built them also agree that the towers were built to withstand a crash of a 747, a plane similar to the 767s that crashed into them.
and the main thing that bought me over? was seeing the bits of the building get blown into smithereens, sth you dun get when the building collapses on each other.
my conclusion? i haven't decided yet. but this is interesting. I want to find out more. the higher ups are really interesting to investigate. why? becuase it's near the end times. and i'm influenced by my brother and bro in law who share so much of all these information.
: Friday, 13th Mar 2009, 12.17 pm :: listening to Ain't No other Man - Christina Aguilera :
An eXtract from A Dance of Moths, A singaporean novel. This tells the anecdote of the moths. Kian Teck is almost separating from his wife. Here he muses and tries to explain himself to her by telling her the story of the moths.
"There is a certain season in the year in Dacca, in Bangladesh, when these white moths, they're called jute moths, appear. They come in great umbers, a storm of them, swarming, covering the whole place. They usually emerge at night, when the lamps are lit. Then they rise, seemingly out of nowhere, materializing from the darkness, and fly towards te light. They head for the light and then they fly round and round the lamps as though in a trance, in a mysterious compulsion, and finally, driven by a strrange passion, they fling and hurl themselves at the light - where of course they're burnt alive. All of them prepared to die, prepared to have lived for only a few hours, participating in their brief death-dance. the next morning, their dead bodies litter entire floors, making them white with their corpses.
"And we are just like these moths! We too are fatally attracted towards the lights, the flames, around which we dance and dance. I'm not referring only to the light of the sun but also to other kinds of light, or things symbolic of light. The neon lights of the cities, the strobe lights of the discos, the fun palaces, the shopping centres, the hypnotic light of TV and the cinema, the sparkle of jewellery, the posh restaurants, the rock concerts, the exclusive parties, the military parades. And things, things which emit an irresistable light. Ah, how they attract us! The brightness! It is because our souls are dark, because have no light within us, that we propel ourselves towards these external lights, these materialistic lights. We fly around them like moths, driven by hunger and passion, prepared, like the moths of Dacca, to live only for the duration of the dance, and then finally to die - for, near the flame near the blinding brightness, we have no knowledge of, and hence no fear of, death. Death also has no meaning, and we shall die without knowing why. Our fate is that we are never to find out why."
How are we going to die? will chasin useless lights in our life bring us inevitable death? or is there a light that gives immeasurable hope?
as much as i complain about reading this piece of literature, emo literature is still beautiful. Goh Poh Seng wrote it really nicely. what is life? what is death? existantiality is such a common theme, and yet, nothing quite hits home as hard as a literature that was made in singapore.
: Tuesday, 10th Mar 2009, 6.37 pm :: listening to modern art history lecture :
I want to work.
and here, you have just witnessed a sudden urge of mine. I dun really want to work. I'm just inspired to want to start working so that i can learn what it is like in the production line of animation soon. i am really pretty eager. AUGH.
and i want my own website. -_____- not that i dun already have one. i mean my blog is considered "mine", though not really mine... i mean it's brinkster, and it gives me the liberty to design my own blog conpared to ripping stuff off for blogspot.... either that or i dunno how to do it... in any case i'm no blogspotter.
but what i really want is a place to showcase my work...
am i very greedy? am i too ambitious?
the rafflesian in me is going to strike. i want to be ambitious. i want to do what i want. i want to make a name of my own. me me me. what is my role as a woman? why am i being so gung ho about my work? why should i work so hard? should i just get married and while my time away while the man is the breadwinner? am i too masculine for my feminity?
stupid female modern artists. too feminist. obviously too much art for me. i'm too easily influenced.
ranting. searching for my own identity as a girl/female/woman in this society. Yikes.
: Monday, 9th Mar 2009, 12.35 pm :: listening to Faint - Linkin Park :
Thanks for all the well wishes! I am really genuinely very very touched with all the surprises! since i had school until late last tuesday, i came back to see the T group pple celebrating for Jing Hang and Simon (whose bdays are on the 3rd). It was quite heartbreaking for me, because I knew my A group pple wouldn't do that for me, since i'm nobody considering I wasn't originally from the group.
However I was really surprised to find Jasmine at my door at 12 am! She totally made me nearly cry! I was so moved by her actions, made me feel appreciated at least by one person in hall! den my neighbour Cheryl came over and hugged me too. Wah i was really really touched. Compared to celebrating with the A pple whom i'm not close to, this is more meaningful. better stil, when we were chatting outside my room, I got an even bigger surprise! wah. that was a move i wasn't really expecting at all! since there was a test on my bday. thanks!!!! *hugs*
plus my friends in ADM also gave me a pleasant surprise, since we had class until so late! it was awful. but they gave me and aisyah a bday cake of choc mint. it was nice! however it was my dinner, since i was having an upset stomach. well, i must say yi fang is really one of the best, one of the most considerate and the most welfare person in our batch :D thanks girl!!
After that, Jas Cheryl and Max surprised me again at night after calss when they gave me a whole box of cakes (CHEESE CAKE!) and a breadou keychhain. you noe, one of those fake bread stuff that smell of bread. So touched! i almost cried again! so happy to have friends who bother and care in hall. totally makes my stay in hall a pleasant one, even though there are so many unhappy things here. i'm really really really happy and thankful for these friends ^__^
amongst other happy things, Hans Bacher came here to ADM over the week. He's the guy from Disney who directed the art style of Mulan and Lion King amongst other achievements. He's been known to be brutal with his critiques and last year he made some pple cry with his brutality. when we pitched him our FYP story though, he was so impressed with it, and he only liked Hafi's story amongst all the others he heard!!! what an honour! we were so thrilled :D:D:D yay. So proud of Hafi to come up with something so poetic, according to Hans. His blog is Here. you must see it, to see how great this guy is. seriously, i think he's another one of those "gods" of the animation world, tho he's not an animator. haha.
: Monday, 2nd Mar 2009, 1.46 pm :: listening to Faint - Linkin Park :
yay back to this design again. HAHA. sian right. zzz i'm reusing old designs. i really ought to change soon. haha.
anyway i had a great time yesterday with Weepin. we went to the Marina Barrage to chill. it's a really great place to paktor if it wasn't raining. but it did anyway. but who cares we sought shelter and nuaed. we took emo photos, and then we were talking about the merlion getting struck by lightning, random things about how our relationship has endured 60 months.. he gave me a very sweet present... and we discussed about how we could enjoy ourselves without overspending. nice. well
well after a while, we saw that the rain was getting too heavy and lightning around was getting so rampant. THen i was talking about how when we were all in primary school, we had to do those "young scientist" cards. And i remembered doing the "young meteorologist" card. there in the card we had to like capture a photograph of a lightning for half the points required to achieve the badge. There and then we decided to try to capture a photo of the lightning. I kept missing it. only Weepin had the patience.. and after much waiting and me almost giving up, he managed to capture it!!! so totally proud of him :D i'd give him an awward if i could. HAHA.
acherli. that was about it. but somehow it was just enjoyable. spending time with him is just. irreplaceable. :D
Act emo >p
W for Weepin!
tada! Electrifying hur hur. nice right! Credit to Dada :D
